Tuesday, January 06, 2015

An Open Letter to Phil Jackson: PLAY ME!



Hey Phil, play me. Please. I'm dead serious. I want to play for the Knicks. Like right away. And I promise you the team will do no worse with me than with that miserable overpaid bunch of losers you call a team. That's because you've lost 12 games in a row, 22 of the last 23, and have dropped to 5-32 on the season. The worst you can do with me is win!

Think about it. What do you have to lose? I'm the X-factor you've been looking for to shake things up. I'm 5/8, but I don't jump or shoot like Mugsy Bogues or Nate Robinson. Though 55 and in reasonably good shape, I'll probably need to sit after every three or four minutes. But you'll still do better with me.

Think about it. A small middle-aged Manhattan Jew in orange and blue. The fans will love me, as will the press. We'll start racking up victories. Jewsanity, they'll call it. I'll be like "Rocky." New York loves an underdog, and I'll make the Garden rock like it did when Willis Reed limped out in Game 7 of the '70 Finals. I'll be on ELLEN and JIMMY FALLON. Everyone will be talking about us. And we'll win games. I promise. You've never seen my behind-the-back layup. Just have Calderon keep feeding me.

Think about it. You just gave away JR Smith and Iman Shumpert, two of the team's most colorful personalities. You need me now. I used to do stand-up. I'll be a f'ing hoot in the locker room. Who do you have now for laughs, Samuel Dalembert? I rest my case.

Seriously Jax, this is no joke. You're losing every single damn game, ok? Try me. I guarantee that you can't do any worse with me. I'll even learn that damned triangle offense... and we all know how much you like that...whatever the hell it is. Stop wasting your time on 'Melo. He'll never get it...and you know it.

Think about it, oh great Zenmaster.  I'll be on stand-by with my Payless specials laced and ready to go. 

Monday, January 05, 2015

Hey GOP, Please Keep Steve Scalise at the Top of Your Junk Pile

The Republican Party's strategy for reaching across the cultural and racial divide, in an effort to expand its tent for the next major national election, is to throw its full support behind embattled Louisiana Congressman Steve Scalise who, by his own admission, spoke in 2002 to The European-American Unity and Rights Organization (EURO), a white supremacist group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, Scalise claims he did not at the time know the origin of the group or Duke's involvement.

Scalise, who as Majority Whip is the GOP's 3rd highest ranking representative, told a reporter almost twenty years ago while running for office that he was like "David Duke without the baggage." Was this simple pandering to a key voting block or a much clearer window into the man's political and moral psyche? Either way, he knew exactly who he was targeting.

As House Republicans vote Tuesday to elect its leaders, many on the right have been all too quick to defend Scalise's utterly implausible story, even blaming Democrats for the controversy. Speaking on MSNBC's Hardball Monday evening, Republican strategist and former Dick Cheney advisor Ron Christie said: "I think the Democrats are being disgraceful in the way that they're playing the race card. The Democrats are dividing this country..." he said, while specifically naming DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz and White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

In a statement released Monday Wasserman Schultz said: "As the new Congress begins, nothing discredits Republican claims of 'outreach' and bringing people together more than their decision to keep Steve Scalise at the top tier of the elected leadership of their caucus...Anyone living in this century should have known better than to attend and speak at a white supremacist event, particularly one founded and led by David Duke, and Scalise's explanation that he wasn't aware isn't credible by a long shot."

And Earnest, during Monday's White House press briefing, said: "There's no arguing that who Republicans decide to elevate into a leadership position says a lot about what the conference's priorities and values are."

So let's get this straight: what riles Republican officials is not that their party has racists, who do and say despicable things, but rather the Democrats who make public their words and actions. Welcome to 2015, where condemning a racist is playing the race card.

To the GOP I say, please keep Steve Scalise in his leadership post. Leave him up there as a glaring symbol of what your party stands for. Let Americans know who you support. Who you defend. Who you reward with power. Who you call a "man of character."