Monday, April 09, 2018

Confessions of a Hypothetical Trump Supporter

Let's call me "Joe." I love Trump. I voted for him. And I'll do it again in a heartbeat. Because it's time we have someone in the White House who speaks my language and wants to bring America back to the good ole days for white guys like me.

I'm a veteran. A family man. A God-fearing patriot who goes to church every Sunday. But I'm ok ignoring every principle I believe in when it comes to Trump. That's how much I love the man. But let's face it, the only real thing that matters to me is making sure those black and brown people don't overrun our great nation. White is right. And Trump is the country's first president for white people. 

I don't make much money at my factory job. And I don't care that Trump's a billionaire who passed that shitty tax bill which makes him and his rich pals richer and ain't gonna put any money in my pocket. Or that he's full of shit about bringing back coal, steel and manufacturing plants. I know that ain't gonna happen. And I don't care.

And I don't care that we're not gonna get a wall. Or that Mexico's not paying for it even if we did get one. I don't even care of I'm gonna end up paying for it with my taxes.  

I also don't care that he lies to me non-stop about everything else. That's ok. We all lie. Fake news, right?

I don't care that he's banged porn stars, Playmates and probably a few prostitutes too. I mean, c'mon, I'm a red-blooded American male! Who wouldn't want to screw hot chicks like that? (guys like me have to settle for lap dances at strip clubs...but sshhhhh...don't tell the wife!)

I have three daughters. And, man, if someone laid a finger on them I'd kill 'em. Same with my wife and two sisters. And of course my dear mother. I'll kill you if you hurt them. But if ya wanna grab someone else's pussy, go ahead.

I'm 100% military. Three tours in Iraq. My daddy was US Army too. Vietnam. And my gramps fought the Nazi's in WW II. I love my country. But I'm ok with Trump letting Russia attack us. No problem if Putin meddled in our election and is undermining our democracy. You'd think I'd be really upset with that, right? But that's the beauty of being a Trumpster. Nothing upsets us (except black and brown people). 

So do you get what I'm talkin' about? I really don't care about any of this bullshit. Not the sexual assaults, the lying, the name-calling, the staff chaos, the bogus tax cuts, the trade war, the cheating on Melania, hush money payoffs, the money laundering, collusion, obstruction of justice, treason...none of it.

I don't care what you find on Trump. Fuck Mueller. It don't matter. Trump's my guy. He's one of us. Remember...he can shoot someone in the middle of....yeah...I think you remember that.

The only thing I do care about is white. And making sure my America, white America, stays that way. The White House is finally white again. Just like it's supposed to be.

Call me a 'racist' if that makes ya feel better. Whatever. Just keep those immigrants and minorities away from me and my America...

MAGA!

Wednesday, April 04, 2018

WTF Are Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell Waiting For?

The Founding Fathers created the greatest democracy in the history of civilization consisting of checks and balances through three equal branches of government. But what happens when one of those branches inexplicably abdicates its responsibility? When one branch, in this case Congress, so utterly fails in its oversight capacity to provide the necessary check on another branch which has the nation teetering on the verge of a Constitutional crisis?

What happens when the executive branch, in this case President Donald Trump, is on a clear mission to consolidate power and push us to the brink of authoritarian rule? When there's a complete breakdown in the rule of law. A total assault on our free and open press. A relentless campaign to discredit and undermine the nation's independent judiciary and intelligence community. To turn his base of fiercely loyal supporters into an army in waiting, ready to wage civil war should an effort to stop him materialize.

What happens when there's simply no one willing to step up to stop a self-serving oligarch tyrant from threatening to turn our 242-year-old Democracy into an autocracy.

It's a chilling scenario The Founding Fathers never envisioned. And it's knocking at our door.

Just because it's never happened before is no reason for Americans to think it can't happen now. All bets are off if we experience a true breakdown in the system. Unless something changes very soon--including impeachment, indictment, invoking of the 25th Amendment and/or Democratic control of Congress--House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Mitch McConnell might just be responsible for the fall of our great nation.

Defying conventional wisdom, the Republican Party has cast aside every principle it's professed to hold dear--patriotism, national security, faith & family values--in it's unwavering loyalty to and defense of Trump. It doesn't matter that he's an admitted sexual abuser, accused rapist, pathological liar, shameless bully, a perennial sinner, a racist and most likely a traitor. He's their guy, and for better or worse, they've hitched their wagons to him even as they appear headed off a cliff in his vortex of chaos. 

No matter that such pathetic sycophantism makes zero sense. No matter that they most likely hate him as much as Democrats do. No matter that they'd prefer a real conservative like Mike Pence. No matter that in this meager trade-off all they have so far to show for it is a suicidal tax reform bill and a stolen Supreme Court seat...a prize they'd have assuredly received from Pence with a lot less heartache and cringe-worthy embarrassment.

So what are Ryan and McConnell waiting for? Are they simply terrified of the base? Not sure how it'll react if they turn on Dear Leader and seek to remove him? Perhaps they're waiting for special prosecutor Robert Mueller's ultimate findings? If Mueller can prove collusion, a cover-up, obstruction of justice and/or money laundering, might that be the moment the party can go to the base and appeal to its traditional sense of of patriotism? Can they, more importantly, will they, make the case at that time that no one, not even the Unites States president, is above the law?

They may not get their chance. Fed-up voters, including those who voted for Trump and now experience buyers' remorse, appear ready to send Republicans packing this November in a blue tsunami. It may ultimately take Democrats to right this wrong and get America back on track...
 


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Dear Donald Trump: How Do I Loathe Thee? Let Me Count the Ways...

Dear Mr. President (or should I say, Dear Mr. I-Lost-the-Popular-Vote-By-3mm-and-Needed-Putin-to-Steal-the-Electoral-College-For-Me):

I never liked you. Not even back in the 80's and 90's when most people kinda sorta liked you. When you were "fun" Trump.
Liberal Trump. Brash New Yorker Trump. The kind of egotistical big-city blowhard that people, for some reason, admire and were attracted to. Which explains why you were given a tv show which became wildly popular.

But now you're president. And not just president, but the worst president in the history of presidents. And also the least popular. To be frank, you're an abomination. You and your presidency are more chaotic than Jeb Bush could've ever imagined. Than any of us could've imagined. It's that bad.

An overwhelming majority of Americans still cannot believe that the greatest nation in the world is led (and I use that term incredibly loosely) by an ignorant, inept, unqualified, dispassionate, insecure, petulant, undisciplined, impulsive, flattery-starved morally-bankrupt manbaby who has the conviction of a toddler and the vision of a bat.

The world cringes in horror that the Unites States has a president who summarily alienates its allies and embolden its enemies. Who poses a grave, existential threat to American democracy and national security. Who many believe is a traitor. A Manchurian President who promised to "drain the swamp" but instead turned it into a branded cesspool.

I loathe you, Trump. For you attack every single human trait I ascribe to: decency, kindness, compassion, empathy, humility, generosity, resolve, intellectual curiosity, self-confidence, self-awareness, self-respect, courage, morality, civility, integrity, fidelity, humor. You are cruel and heartless. A selfish, self-consumed, self-aggrandizing, self-serving coward in bully's clothing who has stained the Oval Office more than if Barack Obama's dog Bo ran in and shit all over it.

There are so many reasons why I loathe you. So many that I cannot possibly remember them all. But I will do my best to list as many of them as possible (in no special order):

*You've attacked Obama's citizenship
*You're a serial philanderer
*You cheated on your newlywed wife and had unprotected sex with porn stars and Playmates
*You're a pathological liar
*You're a climate change denier
*You're against universal healthcare
*You're a cyber-bully
*You've attacked Gold Star families & war heroes
*You've attacked the Pope
*You've mocked a disabled person
*You attacked London's and San Juan's mayors during catastrophic events
*You've disrespected our intelligence community, independent judiciary, military and rule of law
*You attack the media as "the enemy of the people"
*You attack your opponents/critics with juvenile nicknames
*You refuse to show your tax returns (which would likely prove your crookedness)
*Your conflicts of interest are staggering
*Your 50%+ staff turnover makes my head spin
*You've put your mind-numbingly unqualified daughter and son-in-law in top White House positions
*You play golf more than you work
*You can't string two coherent sentences together*You're a sexist
*You're an admitted sexual abuser
*You've grabbed pussies "because you can"
*You endorsed a child molester who longs for the days of slavery
*You're a racist
*You hate Muslims
*You've embraced white nationalists, the KKK and "very fine" Nazi's
*You mistreat immigrants
*You want me to pay for your disgusting wall because you lied about Mexico paying for it
*You're terrified of the NRA
*You suck up to brutal dictators like Kim Jong Un, Xi, Dutarte, Erdogan and el-Sisi
*You're in bed with Putin
*You stole the election
*You are an inherently evil person

One thing's certain: by the time your reign of terror is over and you are just a sad, broken footnote in American history, this list will be 10 times as long...

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The Lesson of Conor Lamb

To listen to Donald Trump, Paul Ryan and countless Republican surrogates, Conor Lamb, who stunned the GOP with his surprise win Tuesday in Pennsylvania's 18th Congressional District, is a Republican. Apparently denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

House Speaker Paul Ryan, himself facing a tough challenge from Democrats Randy Bryce and Cathy Myers, said Lamb ran as a "conservative."

And speaking at a private fundraiser in Missouri Wednesday night, Trump broke his unusual silence about the special election which has sent the Republican Party into a tailspin:

“The young man last night that ran, he said, ‘Oh, I’m like Trump. Second Amendment, everything. I love the tax cuts, everything.’ He ran on that basis. He ran on a campaign that said very nice things about me. I said, ‘Is he a Republican? He sounds like a Republican to me.’”

The problem for the president and his party is that this "Republican" also just happens to support Obamacare, unions, Social Security and Medicare, medical marijuana, expanded background checks and a woman's right to choose... and who opposes Trump's tax cuts and wants to dethrone Nancy Pelosi. Sounds like a real right-wing MAGA!-hat-wearing ideologue, huh?

One of three explanations exist for the president's eye-popping spin: he actually believes what he's saying.  Believes that everything is just fine heading into the November midterms; that his 'popularity' will carry the party to eventual victory; and that what happened in PA is an aberration.

Or that he thinks he can actually change the narrative, and therefore the momentum, just by saying whatever incoherent, disingenuous drivel pops into his head because he's the great and powerful Trump

Or perhaps he's utterly panicked and humiliated and simply throwing a face-saving hail-Mary to his brainwashed base in a desperate attempt to hang onto the one loyal group who he can go to for love when it appears everyone else can't stand him.

To be sure, what Conor Lamb is most definitely not is the stereotypical tree-huggin', Suburu-drivin', bleeding-heart liberal who's been the GOP's punching bag for decades. Republicans know how to define and defeat those candidates. But they don't know what to do with newcomers like Lamb, who just might finally be redefining the party and what it means to be a 'Democrat' in the age of Trump.

What happened Tuesday in PA 18 was no fluke. The seat has been controlled by Republicans since 2003. Mitt Romney won the district by 17 points in 2012. Trump carried it by 20 points. Not only should Lamb have lost, but he should've been trounced. If Republicans can't win in a district Trump won by 20 points, on the heels of steel tariffs in steel country, their prospects for victory in other red districts (where either Hillary Clinton won or Trump carried by 10 points or less) is, as Larry David would say, pretty pretty bleak.   

Lamb won because he doesn't fit the traditional mold. A former Marine and prosecutor, he's a law and order patriot and man of faith who supports gun rights and therefore rightfully scares the shit out of the GOP. 

But can the party of zealous progressives like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren adapt to also be home to moderates and centrists like Lamb? Will the party recruit and support candidates, especially those is traditionally red districts and states, who can win back the Democrats Ronald Reagan stole 37 years ago and who Bill Clinton attracted a decade later?

The lesson from Lamb's momentous victory is that not only can Republicans be defeated and defeated big, but defeated on their own turf with the help of disaffected Trump voters. That 'buyers-remorse' is setting in and can be critically exploited.

And that this election, like those before it in Alabama, Virginia, Kansas, North Carolina, Washington and Georgia, was without question a major referendum on Trump. A blatant repudiation of the dysfunction, chaos and lies that afflicts his administration. An incontrovertible rejection of his sexism and racism that's poisoned America. Of the sullying of the office by the most unqualified, unfit, unpresidential president in history.

The biggest question is, given this incredibly fertile midterm-election ground, will Democrats successfully change the game-plan and surf that massive blue wave we keep hearing is coming or, as in the past, will they deftly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?

Thursday, March 08, 2018

The Trump Administration Help-Wanted Ad?

HELP WANTED: White House Aide(s)

The most accomplished administration in presidential history (especially one that's done more in just one year than any other president) seeks bright, articulate aides offering varied opinions and perspectives that will most likely fall on deaf ears. No political experience necessary (in fact, the more unqualified you look on paper the better).

Applicants must be willing to be subjugated by a petty, belittling, mean-spirited, abusive boss and be stripped of their self-worth, dignity and pride (did we mention the merciless bullying yet?). Ideal candidates will be highly insecure with low self-esteem and and even lower expectations. Loyalty is a must. Irrational, blind, self-destructive loyalty.

If hired, you will work for a truly unique president. A self-styled "counter-puncher." A, like, smart man (a stable genius, actually) who knows words; has the best words. Who knows more than the generals. A master negotiator and deal-maker. An astute businessman who never met a bankruptcy he didn't like. Someone who brings opponents to their knees with a simple degrading nickname. Someone with strong vision but who's not afraid to change his mind every 10 seconds if presented with a compelling argument by the last person he talks to. A billionaire not beholden to special interests (unless you include corporate lobbyists, evangelicals, the Koch brothers, the NRA and...does Vladimir Putin count?). The "I alone" president who doesn't need anyone (especially you).

As great as this opportunity sounds, it does come with risk: candidates will almost assuredly be subjected to (mostly on Twitter) public ridicule, mocking, humiliation, condemnation and cringe-worthy personal attacks relating to their most vulnerable qualities including height, weight, looks, hair, speech, family, sexuality, career. You'll be brutally pitted against other aides like gladiators in the Roman Colosseum (the boss loves "conflict"). And you'll likely be publicly contradicted and undermined and made to look like an absolute ineffectual fool who's constantly asked by friends and family "why the hell are you staying there!??"

Ideal candidates must also be immune and desensitized to constant media glare, public scrutiny and political/federal investigations involving various scandals including sex with porn stars and Playmates; enabling domestic violence; sucking up to neo-Nazi's, KKK and white nationalists; and treason. No conscience, and being ethically and morally bankrupt, is a plus. 

Even if hired, your spirit will be broken almost immediately and you'll likely "resign" within 3-9 months. When you run a successful ship like ours it's normal to have an historically high 43% turnover rate. Constant churn and burn. Keeps the staff fresh. On their toes. Uncertain. And paranoid. Paranoia's good. We want you afraid. Looking over your shoulder. Backstabbing. Leaking. Becoming unnamed White House sources for authors and journalists (the boss also loves chaos!) (ps...do we even need to mention the merciless bullying at this point?).

Full disclosure: working for the Trump administration will likely destroy your career, your reputation and your soul...and you may eventually face indictment and imprisonment. You'll likely be left a shattered shell of a human being. Your spouse might leave you and your kids may hate you. You'll become a sad, tragic footnote in history. And the butt of Jimmy Kimmel jokes.      

So are you ready to take this awesome leap!? Are you man or woman enough? Or are you just a pathetic low-life loser? Don't pass on this opportunity of a lifetime! 

Send resumes to:

Donald J. Trump,
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
(the boss is also a control-freak)

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Why Trump Gets Away with Everything

It's been terribly frustrating for Democrats, moderate Republicans and independents alike who bristle at Donald Trump's stunningly durable teflon coating. How the president appears to dodge seemingly undodgeable career-killing bullet after bullet. How his unprecedentedly offensive, abnormal behavior would've destroyed any other politician in history. So how the hell does he get away with it all?

Simple. Donald Trump is a bully. A perpetually frightened, paranoid, insecure, thin-skinned, self-loathing narcissist coward who exploits his financial and political power to verbally beat others into submission. His secret? He's created a climate of fear among Congress, the media, Democrats and members of his own party terrified of becoming the target of his wrath. His swift and brutal missives, mainly over Twitter, petrify those who would love to fight him but are woefully mismatched (**cough Marco Rubio cough**).

Trump has no filter. No boundaries. No shame. No fear. And that scares the shit out of people. He's menacingly erratic and unpredictable. So people cower. Afraid to speak up. Or speak out. Because he's great at not playing fair. Because they're afraid of public excoriation and humiliation. Because they fear having their most vulnerable qualities shamelessly mocked (their height, weight, looks, disabilities). Because they know they'll lose. And he can smell this fear, and he exploits it to the max.

Just like a bully.

Which is why Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell largely avoid anything resembling serious pushback, righteous indignation or ethical/moral condemnation. If they went head-to-head with Trump in any truly meaningful, courageous way they and other key Republicans know they'd likely wake up to a horrifyingly inappropriate tweet which attacks their reputation, career, faith, family and/or sexuality. And it wouldn't matter if the salvos were untrue.

Which is why Democrats refuse to get in the ring with Trump. They fear the disparaging branding. Just ask Crooked Hillary, Crazy Bernie, Little Adam Schiff, Pocahontas Warren, Sneaky Diane Feinstein, Al Frankenstein, Crying Chuck or Wacky Congresswoman Wilson. And they remember how Trump made Little Marco appear really little and embarrassingly ineffectual. They know Trump's a way better streetfighter, and that you never show up to a gunfight with a cuticle scissor. And they know that once Trump brands you, you'll never lose that pejorative distinction.  

Which is also why evangelicals shockingly still support the most scandalous, sinful leader since Caligula.  Especially when logic and reason dictate they'd be much happier with a true religious fanatic like Mike Pence, not a preacher in pimp's clothing like Trump. Would Pence not be protecting their 'religious freedom' to discriminate against gays? Would Pence not have given them a right-wing Supreme Court nominee like Neil Gorsuch? Wouldn't Pence represent their pious interests more than the pussy-grabbing sexual predator who attacks the Pope when he's not bangin' porn stars and strippers? But, they're afraid. Afraid of the decimating Tweets. Which might include a cringe-worthy accusation of cavorting with hookers or underage boys.

Which is why many in the media are also afraid of Trump. Just ask Crazy Jim Acosta, Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd, Dumb as a Rock Mika, Psycho Joe and Crazy Megyn. Why else would they subject themselves to his daily insults, lies and efforts to silence them? Why wouldn't they hit back hard, even if it meant getting tossed from the briefings? Why do they play by Trump's rules? Since they have absolutely nothing to lose from those daily lie-fests, how about walking out of them? Or not showing up at all? Wouldn't that send a powerful message that they won't tolerate a brazen, craven assault on our Constitutional right of a free and open press? Desperate measures for desperate times, right? Fat chance.

Bullies can immobilize an entire group of people even if they hugely outnumber him. Bullies paralyze people with fear. It explains why 50 people on a subway car will stare at the floor when a lunatic boards and acts in a threatening manner rather than band together to kick him off at the next stop. It's why 50 people can listen to a bully mercilessly berate someone and not come to his or her defense. And it's why hundreds of politicians would rather allow Trump to turn America into a shithole instead of collectively taking action to get rid of the madman they all deep down believe is the worst, most dangerous president in history. 
   

Wednesday, February 07, 2018

Parade Charade: Trump Once Againt Shamelessly Exploits the Military for Personal Gain

Never in United States history has there been a politician who has mocked, denigrated, disrespected and exploited the military as much as Donald Trump.

Trump's latest transparent stunt came Tuesday with the news that he's directed the Pentagon to plan a Bastille Day-inspired grand military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue. Like France's iconic warrior Napoleon Bonaparte, Trump's all but crowned himself emperor and sees himself as the great national valiant hero. So what's more fitting than a bit of Napoleonic pomp and circumstance?

And why not, right? Trump, the self-proclaimed "counter-puncher," is proudly touted
as a "street-fighter" by his aides and surrogates. You attack him and he hits you back 100 times harder. He's a ruthless bully on Twitter. Armed with an iPhone, his tiny fingers and 280 characters, Trump wages cyber-warfare with Beethoven-like mastery at the keys. At his rallies, where his bombast and braggadocio run amok, he yells in that loud, gravely "get him outta here!" intimidating tone. Apparently, someone told him that if he pretends to sound tough he is tough.

The only problem is that Trump is anything but tough. Anything but a warrior. Anything but a hero. He's a coward. A draft-dodging coward. Unlike Napoleon, who bled on the battlefield, when it was Trump's time to serve his country during Vietnam he hid behind his rich daddy's coattails and imaginary 'bone-spurs' and received five student and medical deferments.

And while 58,000 of his countrymen had died in Vietnam, Trump, in a 1997 interview with Howard Stern, arrogantly bragged that his years of sleeping around, when he faced the danger of sexually transmitted diseases, was his "personal Vietnam."

"I feel like a great and very brave soldier," he impudently boasted to Stern.

But the closest Trump ever came to actually wearing a uniform was as a teenager when he was sent by his father Fred to the New York Military Academy....the kind of strict military boarding school where exasperated parents often send unruly asshole kids to 'become men.' (Fred, if he were alive, should demand his money back plus interest).

And now Trump wants a parade. With weapons, missiles and tanks rolling past the White House while Dear Leader stands like Kim Jong Un basking in the manufactured glow of self-created adulation as everyone salutes him.

But the official White House explanation for the parade is more altruistic:

“President Trump is incredibly supportive of America’s great service members who risk their lives every day to keep our country safe," said press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “He has asked the Department of Defense to explore a celebration at which all Americans can show their appreciation.”

Nice try, Sarah, but the duplicity of your statement is staggering. Let's revisit some of the many ways Trump has shown his 'respect' and "support" for the military and its "great service members":

*"I know more than the generals"
*Attacked John McCain: He's "not a war hero... He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured"
*Attacked Gold Star families
*Lied to veterans about a $5-million donation
*"The military is a disaster"
*Took a veteran's Purple Heart at a rally: “I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier”

But wait there's more, and it's even worse...

Trump is under independent investigation for allegedly colluding with Russia to hack and influence the 2016 election and then wage a merciless campaign to demean and discredit the special prosecutor, the FBI and Department of Justice. He's also attacked the free press as "the enemy of the people." He's called Democrats "treasonous" and "un-American" because they didn't applaud him during his State of the Union speech. And he's repeatedly demonstrated a general disdain for the Constitution and the rule of law.

What could be more unconscionably disrespectful to our brave soldiers than to attack the bedrocks of democracy...the laws and freedoms...that they died defending?  

You can almost hear them shouting from the grave with clench fists...'spare us your fucking parade.'

So make no mistake: the parade charade is not a celebration of our military but rather a pathetic attempt by the Narcissist-in-Chief to celebrate himself and, more so, to once again use the military as pawns in his War of Distraction from the RussiaGate investigation. An investigation that each day moves closer to the Oval Office door and could ultimately bring and end to Trump's reign of terror.

Before that humiliating end occurs, perhaps Trump, like his idol Napoleon, will abdicate his throne and be exiled to the island of Manhattan...