Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A Preview of Trump's State of the Union Speech

My fellow Americans...esteemed Republican members of Congress, Democrats, the five good Supreme Court Justices, any generals who still like me, and the fake-news enemy-of-the-people media. I'm excited to be here tonight to tell you, quite frankly, of all the amazing things I'm doing. And believe me...there's many bigly accomplishments. More than any president ever. Especially Obama.

Let's start with the government shutdown. Or, as many people are calling it, and this is true, and they're right,..the Schumer/Pelosi shutdown. It's all the Democrats' fault. Now when I said weeks ago that I would "own" the shutdown"...that I'd take the "mantle"...that I wouldn't blame "Chuck" and the Dems...that's not what I meant.

Look, I'm a builder...and, everyone knows this, but nobody likes to talk about it, I'm the biggest most successful builder...nobody builds buildings like Trump...everyone loves my buildings...the Chinese, the Saudi's...the Russians...and by the way, there was NO COLLUSION!...the real collusion is with Hillary and the Dems...and so I build things. I 'own' things. And, Mickey Mantle was always my favorite baseball player. The Mick! Ya gotta admit, they don't make 'em like The Mick anymore, am I right! A bit of an ugly drinker though...but we won't talk about that. Lastly, when I said I wouldn't blame Chuck, I actually meant that I would blame Chuck.

We need a wall, people. And I'm not talking about the one between me and Melania. I'm talking about a big beautiful wall. A barrier. Or steel slats. Or Levolor blinds, beaded curtains, Roman shades. Maybe some hanging bamboo. I love bamboo! I love the way it sounds...bam-BOO! Those brown people from Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador...and many people don't like using this word...invading America. They're thugs, gang members, terrorists. Millions and millions of terrorists. They're BAD HOMBRES! They dress like hungry women and children to fool us. It's gotta stop. And it's gonna stop right here and right NOW! It's a national emergency!

This emergency is so strong, so severe, so dangerous that I'm willing to wait days, weeks, months even years to stand firm against Nancy on this. Gonna wait to see what she does. Then I'll see what Mexico does. Then I'll see what Rush, Laura, Ann and Sean think. Then I'll read Breitbart. Then maybe see what Bobby Knight and Kimye think. Then I'll wait some more. And then, if everything else fails, I'll declare a national emergency. I can totally do it. Totally legal. I maybe definitely think I can probably do it for sure. And Brett and the SCOTUS boys will back me up, believe me.

Shall we talk about the stock market? It's the greatest market ever. It's done so well since I became president...if you don't count last year, which was all the Fed's fault. But I think it's already up 7,000 points in January.

How about Syria, huh!? We won! We beat ISIS! Don't believe the fake news disgusting fake awful fake FAKE FAKE FAKE news when they tell you ISIS just killed US troops in a suicide bombing. It's all fake. Fake fake fake. What was it that George Bush said..."Mission accomplished!"

And let's not forget that North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.

And how I got MBS to admit he had nothing to do with Khashoggi's murder.

And how I strong-armed Putin into his very strong, powerful denial of election meddling.

I so got this shit, people!

America first! 

Lastly, let's talk about the 800-lb orangutan in the room. No, not me... the big fat witch-hunt. The hoax. Let me tell you, and this is the truth, and nobody knows the truth like me...everyone is lying! All of them! The Department of Justice, the FBI, the CIA, Mueller and his 49 angry Dems, the Southern District of NY, the local state AG's, the courts, the media, Democrats, Flynn, Cohen, Manafort, Comey, everyone else...they're all just part of a very bigly massive conspiracy to take down your president. They're just angry that we beat Hillary so badly...by 8-million popular votes I think. I am the only one telling the truth, believe me...

So in closing, everything is just wonderful. It's a beautiful administration. The fake fake double-fake ugly fat disgusting lying lying fake news ugly doodyhead media keeps telling you there's "chaos" in the White House, but that's a bigly lie, folks. A bigly, bigly lie. Everything's...running...smoothly!

My administration's great.

The stock market's great.

The economy's great.

Our standing in the world is great.

We made America great again!

God bless me...then you...then America.

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

What Trump Will REALLY Be Saying Tonight

Everyone but Donald Trump's brainwashed base knows that his "address" to the nation Tuesday evening regarding the "crisis at the border" will be a reprehensible performance piece of lies, deception, misinformation and fascist propaganda. Here's what he'll really be saying...

My fellow Americans. Three years ago I launched my campaign for the presidency. I never thought I had a chance, believe me. I'm a 4th-rate real estate "developer", former realty tv host and fake billionaire. I have no political experience, no vision or core beliefs and all I care about is myself and money. And, I have the temperament of a 5-year-old. To say I was unfit for the job is a gross understatement. But what I quickly understood, that my 16 opponents didn't, was that millions of Americans are stupid and racist. And I used that to my advantage. Bigly.

Let's face it: my base doesn't give a shit about politics. They'd rather watch paint dry than listen to a discussion on infrastructure, the economy or foreign policy. They're Jerry Springer fans. Adrenaline junkies. They like drama and excitement. They go to hockey games just for the fights. They're small-minded, and like watching bullies taunt the weak and helpless. Especially if they're black, brown, Muslim and Mexican. They're angry white people who believe minorities and immigrants have taken away their American dream. Bingo!

Welcome to "Make America Great Again." Which of course means "Make America White Again." I turned these racist fools into an army of red-MAGA-hat-wearing mental zombies. 

So I promised to build a wall. A "big beautiful wall" which would keep out those horrible criminals. And I promised them that Mexico would pay for it. It became our mantra. I whipped 'em into a frenzy like Freddie Mercury at Live Aid. I'd say "Who's gonna pay for the wall?" And like pathetic sheep they'd scream "MEXICO!!"  I did this over and over and over again at all my rallies. And when I'd see them getting bored or ready to leave I'd whip 'em up again with it.  

"And who's gonna pay for the wall??!!"

"MEXICO!!"

Of course, it was all just a lie. I knew there'd be no way Mexico was gonna pay for it. But I knew somebody would ultimately have to.

Which brings us to tonight. My big "crisis at the border" address. Obviously, there's no crisis. Not now, and not before the midterms when I fear-mongered non-stop about the "dangerous caravan" about to "invade America." It's all bullshit. But you already know that. But like I said, somebody's gotta pay for that wall.

Yes. I bullshitted the base. Now I'm fucked. My legacy, and hopes for a 2020 reelection, are flushed down my gold-plated toilet if I don't build that damn wall. So I need to lie again about "thousands of terrorists crashing through the Mexican border"...blah blah blah. You know the drill: MS-13 gang members, thugs and terrorists coming to kill your kids and rape your women. IT'S A CRISIS I tell ya!

And if Congress doesn't give me the money to fulfill this idiotic campaign promise then I'm gonna declare a "national emergency" and just take money from the military and use it for the wall. An abuse of power? You bet. A Constitutional crisis? I really don't care, do you? Let them sue me. It'll go to the Supreme Court...where Brett and the boys will cover my ass.

No one's gonna tell me what to do. No one. I am above the law. I am the fucking law. I'm Trump, dammit, and I'm gonna run America like I run my businesses: sloppy, chaotic, incompetent, dysfunctional, dishonest, drowning in debt, bankrupt, law-breaking and dictatorial.

And no one's gonna stop me...NO ONE!

(breaks out into loud, uproarious maniacal laughter)

Friday, December 21, 2018

'The Wheels Have Come Off': The Trump Administration Plunges Into Full-Scale Crisis

CNN's Jim Acosta reported Thursday that he'd received an ominous text from a “top House Republican who supports the president” and “is in a national security role up on Capitol Hill.” The text, in response to the sudden resignation by Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, warned "the wheels may be coming off” the Trump administration. May be?

Let's be clear: Mattis's departure isn't a resignation. It is a blistering protest. A stinging public rebuke of the Unites States president--his Commander-in-Chief--by a four-star Marine Corps general who served his country admirably and honorably for fifty years.

It was without any shred of ambiguity Mattis finally telling Trump, 'You're a moron....and I'm outta here.'

There's no doubt Mattis's resignation letter was intended as a harsh slap to a president he believes is woefully ignorant of geopolitics and lacking the intelligence, temperament, discipline and strategic thinking required of the job. A president who's consistently undermined America's allies while emboldening its enemies. 

"My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues," Mattis said.

In his closing sentence Mattis made clear what he thought of Trump:

"I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform." 

He did not mention his boss.

Mattis is now the third former general to jump off the Trumptanic, following former National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster and most recently White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. It is the latest in an unprecedented legion of senior-level departures which have included former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke and former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson (who's reportedly called Trump a "fucking moron").

The proverbial shit is hitting the fan.

The investigation into Russian collusion by special counsel Robert Mueller is intensifying, creating a existential crisis for Trump in every aspect of his personal, political and business life. The president is fending off bi-partisan condemnation over his sudden and unilateral decision-by-tweet to withdraw U.S. troops from Syria. The government is on the verge of a shutdown over the budget. The stock market is crashing. And the daily White House chaos is so dizzying it'll make your head spin, believe me.   

At the most perilous time in his presidency, Trump is increasing isolated, rapidly becoming the "I alone" president he once bragged he was. The adults are gone. The guardrails are off. Forget the wheels...we're now scraping the road on rims here. And there's a sociopath madman driving us off a cliff.

It's a BIGLY shitshow, and it's only gonna get worse unless Republicans join Democrats next year to remove this malignant disease before it totally destroys our Democracy.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Stick a Fork in Trump. It's Over

Not even two years into Donald Trump's presidency, every aspect of his personal, political and business life is currently under massive Federal criminal investigation. Let that sink in for a moment.

Trump's family, Foundation (which was dissolved Tuesday morning by the New York Attorney General), business, campaign, inauguration, transition and administration are all facing the long arm of the law.

Trump's house of cards is crumbling. Finally.

Trump's demise has been long overdue. We've longed for it from the early days of his reprehensible birther campaign against Barack Obama, to his June 2015 'Mexicans are rapists' explosion into the race, to his relentless attacks since on civility, decency, humanity, the rule of law, our democracy and everything America stands for.

Throughout his entire life Trump has escaped accountability. Born with a silver spoon, he was handed everything by his rich daddy. He then spent decades at the helm of his grossly over-hyped 'real-estate development empire' (in reality just a small licensing business which threw it's name on everything including office buildings, hotels, casinos, airplanes, steaks, vodka, water, games, mortgages and magazines"...virtually all of which have been bankrupted and shut). It is a 40+ year-old family-run enterprise that, as we're now learning, more resembles a crime family. And The Donald answered to no one. 

Until now.

Trump now has special counsel Robert Mueller, NY's Southern District, attorneys general in NY, DC, Virginia and elsewhere hot on his trail and a Nancy Pelosi-led House about to subpoena and investigate the shit out of him. For the first time in his life, when Trump barks "JUMP!" he's hearing "sit down and shut the fuck up." If his relentless manic, desperate"WITCH HUNT! HOAX! NO COLLUSION!" tweet-storms are an indication, it's driving him insane. As the one person who knows more than anyone the extent of his High Crimes and Misdemeanors,  Trump surely knows the end is near.

If you think Tuesday's dissolution of the Foundation doesn't signal the beginning of Trump's presidency ultimately dissolving...I have some time-shares in Trump Hotel Moscow to sell ya...

Monday, December 10, 2018

Re-Election? Trump Won't Even Finish His Current Term

I laugh when I hear pundits talking about Donald Trump's re-election campaign, as if he's going to last that long. Let me make it very clear: Trump will resign sometime in 2019. I guarantee it.

Trump, and at least one of his children, is in some very, very serious trouble. When you factor in the scale of his High Crimes and Misdemeanors, as well as his position in government, he is perhaps the most crooked, corrupt politician in American history. 

Some context is important here. Let's recap the two biggest presidential scandals of the last five decades. Richard Nixon left office disgraced by Watergate. He wasn't impeached but would've been (and likely indicted as well) had he not cut a deal to resign on August 9, 1974 in his second year of his second term. He threw his presidency in the toilet over a cheap, 3rd-rate break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters and then obstructed justice in a bone-headed cover-up.

Bill Clinton was impeached in December 1998 by the Republican-controlled House, but the GOP Senate couldn't muster enough of the 2/3's vote they needed to remove him from office. Clinton's impeachment was all about perjury. Lying about sex. Period. Clinton's biggest crime? He was, literally, an unapologetic horn-dog who simply wanted to get off.

Which brings us to Trump who, as we learned conclusively in court filings last week by Federal prosecutors in the Southern District of New York, is a felon. A soon-to-be unindicted co-conspirator who directed his former lawyer-fixer-legbreaker Michael Cohen to commit campaign finance violations twice in paying off porn-star Stormy Daniels and former Playmate Karen McDougal just weeks before the 2016 election.

To be sure, Trump wanted to get off too (the list of his sordid sexual conquests is quite long), but more importantly he wanted to influence the outcome of the presidential election. And that's the difference between his transgressions and those of his randy predecessors.  

What we have yet to learn conclusively from special counsel Robert Mueller is whether or not Trump conspired with Russia to steal the election, and the extent of that conspiracy. But we will. And soon enough. If anyone out there still doesn't believe this, I have a building on 5th Avenue called Individual-1 Tower to sell you.

The extent of that collusion/conspiracy appears likely to conclude that Trump, the 45th president of the United States of America, is a Russian puppet. A kompromised agent of an enemy state. A traitor.

Trump's political and legal troubles aren't about a blowjob or a picked lock and a busted filing cabinet. They're about the betrayal of America on the highest possible levels of government. Of threatening our national security. Of corrupting our free and fair elections, the bedrock of our democracy.

As such, Trump, facing a bloodthirsty Democrat House come January, is a virtual lock for impeachment. Oh sure, Reps. Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff, who'll be taking over the House Judiciary & Intelligence Committees respectively, are downplaying the "I" word for optics' sake. But they're as horny for this as a sailor on weekend leave.

Which is why Trump won't make it to 2020.

Trump knows more than anyone what he did. He knows the extent of his crimes and the depths of his treason. He knows the involvement of his equally amoral, corrupt kids. His GPS is set to "Mueller" and so he knows exactly where the steely prosecutor is headed. Which is why he tweets "NO COLLUSION!" and "WITCH HUNT" non-stop, hoping that somehow the Founding Fathers will come back to life and make Twitter the overriding Constitutional power.

One day soon the world will know beyond a reasonable doubt what The Manchurian President has done. And what his kids have done. And when that time comes, his heretofore enablers in the Republican Party will abandon him en masse. It'll finally be the point where they face the binary choice of him or me. And then the "I alone" president will get his wish. He'll be isolated, alone and with no one to defend and protect him.

Trump is foolish if he thinks the Supreme Court will ultimately protect him. As previous decisions involving both Nixon and Clinton demonstrate, the Court has made it abundantly clear that no one is above the law. Not even the president.

Trump will then be facing his own choice of stay and fight (visiting Jr. and possibly Eric, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared "I love Saudi Arabia!" Kushner in prison) and face impeachment, indictment and possible imprisonment one day, or take a Nixon-like deal and walk. If he's lucky to be offered such a generous exit.

Which makes the discussion of his re-election in 2020 truly laughable... 

Friday, December 07, 2018

An Open Letter to Daddy From Ivanka, Eric & Donnie Jr

Dear Daddy:

The boys nominated me to write this on our behalf because everyone knows I'm your favorite child (sorry Tiff!) and Donnie thinks I'm a better writer than he is... and Eric, well....anyway...

So, we're mad daddy! Really mad! We'd be crying, but we don't have tear-ducts or human-like emotions (just like you daddy!)...so...anyway...

...We had everything. Money, fame, power. We could lie, cheat and steal. No one cared. Uncle Mikey always took care of everything. Then you had to make everything messy-messy by running for president. And then throwing poor Uncle Mikey under the bus. Now look at us. Mueller knows everything. We're ruined! Likely going to jail. And our very classy Trump brand is worthless. I think we hate you!

Why did you do this to us? You never even wanted to be president. You always told us you hate all those dirty, lazy, blue-collar "little people" and just wanted all the free publicity we'd get so we could make more money (we love money!). And you'd get so much attention (we know how much you loooove attention, daddy!). But you never even thought you'd win. You promised us you wouldn't win. You gave us and mommy...I mean Melanie...your word. You lied to us! Do you remember how upset Melanie was on Election Night? It was so upsetting. I almost cried again.

We are so mad at you (I'm stomping my feet right now!). We put up with all your warts all these years. I never said one word when you'd awkwardly and inappropriately put your hands all over me and tell people like Howard Stern you'd date me if I wasn't your daughter. How could you say that! How could you say you'd only date me not marry me! I felt so unappreciated!

And all those times you called Eric "stupid" and called him and Donnie "losers." All of this was so unfair. We just took it all. We never said anything back to you (ok, I do remember the boys always yelling "Stop it daddy...we're not stupid losers!").

So what do we do now? What does our big strong tough incredibly physically-fit handsome  "counter-puncher" do now to save us all? Do we hire someone to "take care of things" the way Uncle Mikey used to (wink wink...oh shit, my mascara's running...). Do we tell Corey to have Mueller's legs broken? Have Uncle Vlad poison someone? Get Uncle "M" to bone-saw the shit out of...oops...sorry...I forgot we're not supposed to ever talk about that!

Just please do something, daddy, and do it fast! We're very scared. Time is running out. Donnie's already planning how he's going to escape from prison. This is bad. Very, very bad.

Sincerely,
Your favorite child Ivanka (who's ass you really need to stop touching, ok?) & the los...I mean boys.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

What If Trump Really DID Write Those Answers for Mueller Himself?

Donald Trump seemed especially agitated last week. Can ya blame him? I'm incredibly agitated just watching this chaotic shitshow on TV. He's living it.

Trump and the Republican Party were trounced in the midterms. He was lambasted over his decision not to attend the WW1 ceremony in France and the Veteran's Day gathering at Arlington National Cemetery. The First Lady went rogue and publicly attacked one of his top national security aides, demanding her firing. The stock market continued to sink back to 2017 levels. And he and his lawyers were working on the written answers to special prosecutor Robert Mueller's questions into the campaign's possible collusion with Russia.

Trump insisted all week that he wrote the answers himself.     

"I write the answers. My lawyers don't write answers. I write answers. I was asked a series of questions. I've answered them very easily -- very easily."

Bullshit. There isn't a lawyer alive who'd let an erratic, impulsive, delusional, pathologically-lying client like Trump write his own answers. Especially not on this level, about this subject matter and with the stakes so high. Plus, Trump can't string together two coherent sentences.

But I can't help thinking...what if he did write them? What the hell would that look like...

Mueller Question #1: Mr. President, did you know prior to June 9, 2016 that a meeting at Trump Tower would be taking place on that date between the Russians and your son Don Jr, son-in-law Jared Kushner and then-campaign manager Paul Manafort?

Trump: I knew that a...look...and I'll tell you this...it was a nothing meeting. There was no collusion! You can't do collusion if nobody offers you anything. Don't get me wrong. And I'll...did we try? But...and believe me...no one cuts deals better than me. If you read my book you'd...everyone knows, frankly, it's a witch hunt. FAKE NEWS! We talked about...and let me tell you it was not easy...Donnie said they had stuff...it was a waste of...we talked about adoptions. Babies. Little people. No big deal. NO COLLUSION! But I never...was I there? I mean I could be. Maybe I was. You tell me...

Mueller Question #2: Mr. President: Were you aware that, prior to the election, WikiLeaks provided hacked emails and other confidential documents from Hillary Clinton, John Podesta and/or the DNC to either Roger Stone or anyone else associated with your campaign?

Trump: I love WikiLeaks! I mean...and no one had more access to them than me...you know I know a lot of people. I build...they buy my apartments. Spend thousands. Billions. The Chinese. The Russians. The Saudis. They all love Trump buildings! WikiLeaks...they're very good at what they do. Julian likes me. And I like him. We talked a lot. Met a few times. But I don't know him. He gave me...everybody knows...NO COLLUSION. It's a WITCH HUNT! 12 angry Democrats who...and Mueller and Comey were lovers. Nobody talks about that. There's no...look...it's not illegal to take hacked emails. Everyone would. It's called op-po research. Perfectly ok to...but Roger never gave me anything. He gave it all to Donnie. So I'm in the clear. But there was nothing useful in them...believe me.

Mueller Question #3: Mr. President, did you fire then-FBI Director James Comey in order to stop the special investigation into collusion with Russia?

Trump: No. That's a stupid, stupid....I would nev...but let me tell you this...and, frankly, many people are saying the investigation is illegal. A total WITCH HUNT! There was NO COLLUSION! Did I want to stop the investigation? You could say that. But I'm not afraid of...look...did I think firing Comey would do that? I only hire the best people. Everyone wants to work for me. Comey, he was...people have this phony talk of chaos in the White House. FAKE NEWS! There's no chaos! It's Michelle Obama spreading lies, but nobody wants to talk about that. Comey? Yeah. I can tell you, frankly, I thought if he's gone I could put one of my guys in there...and I have a lot of friends who wanna help me...I should be protected....Rudy Giuliani...everyone knows he's the smartest lawyer in the history of the legal...and let me tell you...Rudy would've killed the whole disgusting, disgusting thing. And by the way, Jim Acosta's ugly and fat....

Mueller Question #4: Are you planning to fire me?

Trump: We'll see what happens...