Tuesday, December 31, 2019

The November 4, 2020 Article I Wish I Could Write: “Hillary Clinton Elected President”

In a stunning reversal of political fortune, and with an historic female ticket with vice-presidential candidate Stacey Abrams, Hillary Clinton has been elected the 47th president of the United States in what experts are already calling Washington’s greatest comeback ever. President Mike Pence called Clinton last night at 11pm to congratulate her on her landslide victory.

Pence, who became the 46th president after Donald Trump was impeached in late 2019 and removed from office a month later when Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell joined with democrats to convict after direct witnesses including Mike Pompeo, Mick Mulvaney, John Bolton and Rudy Giuliani implicated Trump in a massive criminal cover-up, appeared stunned by Clinton’s historic margin of victory:

“Secretary Clinton ran an incredible campaign,” said Pence. “She won by 18-million popular votes and 540 electoral votes, demonstrating that the American people were fed up with the massive corruption in Washington.” (Pence is still under Federal investigation for his role in the cover-up and Trump’s abuse of power and obstruction of justice and Congress).

Clinton’s popular vote margin is the largest in modern history since Richard Nixon’s in 1972, and the largest electoral college victory since Ronald Regan’s 525 votes in 1984 (270 electoral college votes are needed to win the presidency).

Clinton won her party’s nomination after a late-entry into the race in January after Trump was convicted in his Senate trial, and after it became clear that the other leading democratic candidates had sputtered and failed to connect with a majority of voters. She quickly vaulted to the top of the polls and sailed through the primary process, winning handily early on in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.

“I am beyond thrilled to take my unprecedented experience and qualifications — which includes the White House, Senate and State Department — and help America get back on track as the greatest nation in the world,” said Clinton. “I will be the president for every American, and will work tirelessly starting in January to unite the country and bring back American idealism and exceptionalism.”

Clinton’s victory sends a very powerful, inspiring message to every American, especially our daughters, of grit, courage, fortitude, perseverance, determination and vindication. That, no matter how hard your detractors knock you down, you can stand up, dust yourself off, continue the fight and ultimately prevail. That glass ceilings can still be shattered.

Clinton and Abrams will be sworn in on January 20th.

Friday, December 27, 2019

Why Trump Will Resign in 2020

As I first wrote over a year ago, Donald Trump will resign before his term is up.

Trump’s political and legal problems are mounting. And no amount of Tweeting will make them go away. He is now just the third president in history to be impeached. And despite what he and his defenders would like to believe, he’s facing a punishing Senate trial which likely won’t end in conviction and removal, but will be a campaign and PR nightmare.

The evidence against Trump is beyond incriminating. It’s devastating. And while he and Senate Leader Mitch McConnell continue to push for a quick trial with its shameful predetermined verdict, the public keenly sees one party desperately fighting to expose the truth while the other fights like animals to hide it and obstruct justice in a massive coverup. In the court of public opinion, Trump’s a goner.

In a new poll released this week a record-high 55% of Americans now want Trump removed from office…an increase from 48% just last week. Voters aren’t stupid. They’re paying attention. They care. And this number’s going to keep rising until McConnell can no longer ignore it.

Trump the narcissist has spent decades crafting and protecting his image. He will stop at nothing in doing so. This includes pretending to be his own publicist to leak exaggerated claims of his wealth and sexual prowess to pathological-lying and gaslighting reality. He hates being perceived on any level as a failure and loser, and is obsessed with boasting of massive success and “winning.”

Since his impeachment earlier this month we’ve witnessed Trump’s colossal emotional meltdown on TV and on Twitter, where he’s been breaking his all-time highs (as much as 125 tweets in one day) with attacks on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and the ‘validity” of his very impeachment…a ludicrous charge he’s been leveling since Pelosi’s brilliantly withheld the Articles of Impeachment until McConnell agrees to conducting a fair trial with direct evidence and witnesses.

Trump also knows he’s lost much of his base (defined as everyone who voted for him in 2016). Gone are moderate Republicans, independents, college educated women, suburban women, minorities and many youth and seniors. His math and path to re-election no longer adds up.

Trump also lives in mortal fear of conviction in various states for his many financial crimes. He still fears the Mueller probe’s criminal referrals to the Southern District of NY, Eastern District of VA and elsewhere. And, he knows better than anyone that so much more evidence of his High Crimes and Misdemeanors will inevitably come out between now and the election.

Furthermore, Trump, the most immature, undisciplined, impulse-control-bankrupt, chaotic, self-destructive president to ever occupy the Oval Office, is sure to continue breaking laws. His hole will get deeper and deeper. He simply cannot help himself.

Which is why he will resign. He knows he’s going to lose. And lose big. Perhaps even in the largest, most humiliating landslide in American political history. And he will not subject himself to that.
Here’s how it’ll go down: When it’s become abundantly clear that he’s going to be a loser, and as the long arm of the law comes marching down the hall with threats of indictment, and more importantly when McConnell and the party abandons him, Trump will do what he always does: lie and gaslight. He’ll cut a deal (generously afforded out of respect to the office) and will craft a narrative that feeds his ego and allows himself a sensational, grandiose, self-soothing out. It won’t matter one bit that’ll be all bullshit.

And here’s what he’ll likely say: “Many people are saying, but nobody’s taking about it…and you all know it better than me…that I’m gonna win this election bigly…the polls show it, even the fake-news media’s predicting it….probably gonna be the biggest win ever in the history of elections. Democrats, Crazy Nancy, Cryin‘ Chuck…they all know it and fear me winning again. But ya know what? Even though I’d win YUGE by millions and millions of votes… I don’t want it. Washington is a swamp and I’m tired of fighting these animals who are destroying America. I got what I wanted. I won the biggest victory ever in ’16 and we all know I’d do it again. I’ve proven what a winner I am! But now I’m gonna go back to my business where I’ll make $100-billion next year. And play a lot of golf…because, as you know, I never got to play much while I was working non-stop so hard for you! So, I’m outta here, suckas! You can have this crappy job and old, small shitty house! Politics is for losers! Nobody wins like Trump! Believe me…”

Thursday, December 26, 2019

The Most Important Election in American History

It’s been said by Democrats before: “This is the most important election in history.” And perhaps at those times the warnings were well-founded. The fight against abortion, the push for gun control, the need to combat climate change, the battle over the courts all seemed like grave threats to personal freedom, health and survival (and they still do).

But today the warning is rooted in democracy’s existential crisis. The survival of our Constitution, the rule of law and everything we’ve cherished for the past 243 years is at stake. Our precious democracy is teetering on the verge of…take your pick…autocracy, authoritarianism, dictatorship.

The Founding Fathers were brilliant in their creation of a system of checks and balances, where each of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of their nascent government would be equal. A fail-safe designed to reign in and hold accountable a rogue president who uses and abuses the office for personal gain, even at the risk of the our national security.

And for 243 years the system worked without fail. Until now. What the Founders never contemplated, and therefore did not create remedies for, was if one or more of those co-equal checks abdicated its oversight role and instead aided and abetted a corrupt, power-usurping president. 

Welcome to the Reign of Donald Trump.

Wake up, America. Next year’s election is not about policy. It’s not about ideology. It’s not about right vs left. It’s about right vs wrong. Law vs lawlessness. It’s about the survival of democracy and everything we hold near and dear about our great nation. It’s about core values, decency, honesty, truth and American exceptionalism and idealism.

It’s about the end of our society as we know it.

In just three years of his tainted, now-impeached presidency, Trump has blatantly and shamelessly broken laws, shattered norms and dismantled institutions. His relentless attacks on our free press, law-enforcement apparatus, intelligence community, diplomatic corps and independent judiciary have shredded the fabric of democracy.

Trump’s corrupted the Department of Justice and Attorney General William Barr, who executes the duties of his office as if he were the president’s personal attorney and protector (his “Roy Cohn”). He’s corrupted the Republican Senate and Leader Mitch McConnell who, as Trump’s chief enabler, violates his oath daily, for example, when vowing to fully coordinate impeachment-trial strategy with the White House. And he’s corrupted the courts by appointing 158 unqualified, controversial, partisan sycophants to every critical level of the judicial system including the Supreme Court.

To be sure, these critical levers of government are firmly, albeit inexplicably, in Trump’s pocket. Perhaps it’s blackmail, fear of rage-tweets, hyper-partisan power-lust over tax cuts and judges, racism, or all of the above. But make no mistake, with their help, Trump has been able to operate with reckless abandon, utter disdain for authority and in the mode of a maniacal despot.

That is until Nancy Pelosi and democrats took control of the House in 2018. Imagine, just imagine, where America, and Trump, would be today if Republicans controlled the House as well. Imagine if Devin Nunes, Mark Meadows, Jim Jordan, Doug Collins, Louis Gohmert and the legion of Trump-ass-kissing GOP goons held the keys to the Constitution.

But thanks to Speaker Pelosi and democrats, America still looks, smells, feels and tastes like a Democracy. But things can and will get unfathomably worse if Trump is re-elected.

Which is why next year’s election is the most important in American history. Democrats must retain the House and re-take the Senate. And, we must ensure that Donald Trump — the most dishonest, corrupt, treasonous, dangerous politician in U.S. history — is not allowed anywhere near the White House after January 20, 2021.

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

What Would Jesus Say?

Donald Trump tweeted “Merry Christmas” this morning and then issued the following statement:

“…Together, we must strive to foster a culture of deeper understanding and respect — traits that exemplify the teachings of Christ.”

Excuse me, but I think I’m gonna vomit…because Trump and his First Cohort Melania are the very antithesis of everything Christ lived and died for. Everything.

I often wonder what Jesus would think if he were here today. What he’d say if he witnessed Trump’s vile behavior.

I think about the deliciously satisfying scene in ANNIE HALL when, on a movie line in the lobby, a pseudo-intellectual standing behind a clearly irritated Woody Allen waxes arrogantly to his date about the philosopher Marshall McLuhan and gets emotionally pulverized when Allen brilliantly has McLuhan step out from behind a poster to school him on his work. But in my fantasy, it’s Jesus who’d step forward and tell Trump…

“I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work…”

So what would Jesus actually say to Trump? I suspect he’d begin by reminding him of the obvious: love, honor, respect, decency, compassion, empathy, faith, forgiveness, sacrifice.

But perhaps he’d take it a step further. He’d assure Trump that he’s not The Chosen One. That he’s not a prophet. That there’s only one Jesus.

He might even get angry and excoriate Trump, and the evangelicals who enable him, for the specific sins he commits on an hourly basis…

“How dare you defile my name in furtherance of policies, positions, attitudes and behavior that directly contradict everything I stand for. You sexually assault women. You covet thy neighbor’s wife. You cheat on yours. You mock and bully the aged, the sick, the disabled, the poor, the needy, minorities. You steal from the poor to give to the rich.You foment hate and violence against your opponents. You attack and ignore those escaping persecution and who desperately seek refuge. You cage children. You separate families. You self-enrich at the expense of others and your country’s safety. You break laws, shatter norms and dismantle institutions. You’re a pathological liar. You respect no one, cannot be trusted and are a threat to civilization. And, you constantly take my name in vain as justification for spreading your cancer on mankind. So please…stop…talking…about…my…teachings. Just STOP.”

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, everyone…

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Why I'm Supporting Joe Biden

I woke up with an epiphany this morning. I saw into the future, and I didn’t like what I saw.

It’s November 4, 2020. Donald Trump has been re-elected president. My America, and the beloved democracy on which it stands, was officially an autocracy. Maybe even a dictatorship. Trump now controlled the presidency, the Justice Department, the Senate and the military….without the fear and worry of impeachment, removal or another election. Chilling.

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Kinda like that same feeling I had the night of November 8, 2016. Except worse. Much worse. Because that night I started putting my faith in the American people and the rule of law. I set my sights on the next presidential election and the expectation that once we experienced four years of Trump the last thing we’d want is four more.

But I no longer have faith. I no longer believe my fellow Americans will do the right thing. I am terrified that Trump will somehow survive all of his massive political and legal crises and achieve his dream of totally destroying America.

(I’ll get to Joe Biden in a second…)

I believe Trump was elected because of racism, not “economic anxiety” or any other bogus motivation. I believe he knew that white, uneducated working-class men (and many women) were angry that America was becoming an even bigger patchwork of blacks, Hispanics, Gays, Jews and immigrants who were taking away what was ‘rightfully’ theirs. And where women had the audacity to want equality instead of being barefoot and pregnant while fetching them a beer as they adoringly gaze at ESPN.

I believe Trump’s master plan was to remind these disenfranchised men that they are the master race. And that together they could Make America White Again. I believe Trump was right when he shockingly declared in 2016 that he could literally shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose his supporters. Because that’s how angry these white folks were…and still are.

(Biden’s coming, I promise…)

And that’s why these angry white folks are not just ok with Trump being the most self-serving, corrupt, treasonous president in history, they empower him. They attend his rallies and shower him with the love, adoration and validation he craves because of crippling insecurities and staggering self-loathing. They assure him they’re behind him as he pathologically-lies, spreads propaganda, shatters norms, dismantles institutions, attacks the media, name-calls his detractors, incites hate and violence and ushers us to the precipice of dictatorship like a megalomaniacal sociopath (remind you of anyone else?).

They’ve lost all sense of decency. Of right and wrong. Of law and order. Of even to protect their own self-interests. Because…they…don’t…like…blacks…Hispanics…immigrants…Gays…Jews…and uppity women. Period. End of story.

(We’re almost at Biden, believe me…).

So now Republicans demand that we not overturn the 2016 election by impeaching and attempting to remove Trump. That we should instead let the public decide. That we should let voters punish Trump and hold him accountable at the ballot box next year. To be clear, Trump is under investigation for conspiring with foreign nations to interfere in the 2016 election and is publicly, brazenly doing it again for ’20. And we’re supposed to accept that the best, wisest solution is, ‘try another election?’

“It’s like, if you’re accused of cheating in Monopoly and your solution is, oh, well, let’s just play a game of Monopoly and see who wins to decide who’s right,” said Neal Katyal, celebrated Supreme Court attorney and former United States Acting Solicitor General, and author of the just-released book “Impeach: The Case Against Donald Trump.”

(Ok, it’s Biden-time…)

Next year’s election is the most important and consequential in American history. Oh sure, you’ve heard that warning before. But this time it’s real. It’s not simply about red vs blue, low taxes vs high taxes, big government vs deregulation. It’s about democracy vs autocracy. It’s a choice between a 234-year-old system of checks and balances or Herr Trump.

I like to gamble as much as the next guy. A little blackjack is my jam. But when it comes to this election, I’m not in a gambling mood. That’s why, barring some bombshell news, I’m supporting Joe Biden.

Don’t get me wrong. I love many of the current candidates, especially Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren and, yes, even Mike Bloomberg. I believe in many of their progressive policies and that each would be an incredible president. But I don’t believe, after years of Trump’s far right-wing fanaticism, that America wants another revolution where we swing too far to the left. At least next year.

Why am I so scared? Democratic turnout is typically around 60%. That’s not enough to beat Donald Trump, especially if, with the help of Putin, another fix is in. While it’d be fabulous if democrats show up at the polls at 65%, 70%, 75% or more, I’m leaving nothing to chance. Which means we need to convert an appreciable amount of Trump supporters, moderate Republicans and independents. And in my opinion, Joe Biden is the only candidate who can do just that.

Full disclosure: if not for this extremely strategic calculation, Biden would not be my first pick. To be sure, I have nothing against old white guys (I am one). But I much prefer a woman (Warren), a person of color (Harris, Patrick) or a young gay man (Buttigieg). I also appreciate Bloomberg’s pro-biz / socially liberal positions and think he’s a valid alternative. But truthfully, I would prefer a gnat over Trump, and I would lay down in traffic for that gnat should it win the nomination. But, unfortunately, I don’t believe the gnat would win in the general.

Biden is our bridge back to sanity. To decency. To normalcy. He’s the green-thumbed gardener who can help cultivate a fertile new landscape so that we could see a woman, black, Hispanic, gay or progressive president in ‘24 or ‘28. He can win back the critical Blue Wall states of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin (because… it’s the electoral college, stupid). He appeals to an overwhelming majority of blacks, especially in the critical Southern states. He appeals to white, working-class, non-college men and women. And like it or not, we need them to kick Donald Trump’s ass to the curb.

Which is why I’m supporting Joe Biden…

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Dear Trump Supporters: It May Be Just a Red Hat to You, But to Us It's So Much More

Donald Trump burst onto the political scene in 2015 spewing anger, hatred and racism. As a 3rd-rate real estate "developer " and reality TV host he was utterly ill-equipped and unqualified to be president. But he understood branding more than all of the other candidates combined. He stole the "Make America Great Again"  slogan from Ronald Reagan, slapped it on a red baseball hat and the rest is history.

The controversial hat garnered worldwide attention again over the weekend when many MAGA hat-wearing students from a Kentucky Catholic school, attending a pro-life march in Washington, DC, got caught up in a viral media spectacle outside the Lincoln Memorial which found 16-year-old Trump-supporting white student Nicholas Sandmann and 64-year-old Native American activist Nathan Phillips in a tense face-to-face standoff. Phillips was attending the Indigenous Peoples March.

On the left there are accusations that the teens mocked and disrespected Phillips in an aggressive, racially-insensitive manner. (i.e. simulating Tomahawk chops). On the right there's been unequivocal support from the boy's mother, conservative media and even the president, who on Tuesday posted this self-serving tweet:

"Nick Sandmann and the students of Covington have become symbols of Fake News and how evil it can be. They have captivated the attention of the world, and I know they will use it for the good - maybe even to bring people together. It started off unpleasant, but can end in a dream!"

Sandmann's own defense is that he did nothing wrong, was not acting aggressively and was merely trying to "defuse" an explosive situation as he and his fellow students were under verbal assault nearby by four Black Hebrew Israelite protestors. He and his supporters, including his mother, have disingenuously used this verbal assault as justification for his and his pals' behavior towards Phillips. They claim the real victims are the kids.

But the tape doesn't support that contention. Video of the entire roughly 90-minute episode, while indeed proving the kids were targets of vile homophobic, racist verbal attacks, also shows as many as 50-75 Covington Catholic High School students, many recording the encounter on iPhones, loudly and excitedly shouting, jeering and egging on a smirking Sandmann like hopped-up frat boys at a midnight rave. They could've simply walked away. They chose to engage.

These weren't just 'innocent teens.' They were MAGA-hat-wearing teens. And that changes the entire dynamic of the situation.

To non-Trump supporters, the red MAGA hat is a symbol of divisiveness. Of intolerance. Of sexual, gender, ethnic and racial animus. 

To non-Trump supporters "Make America Great Again" really means "Make America White Again."

To non-Trump supporters the MAGA-hat stands for:

*oppression of women
*oppression of Muslims
*oppression of minorities
*oppression of immigrants
*oppression of #LGBTQ
*attacks on the media
*attacks on the FBI & DOJ
*attacks on the judiciary
*attacks on the rule of law
*attacks on decency
*white supremacy

To non-Trump supporters, the red MAGA hat is the modern-day version of the white KKK hood. 

That's because Trump is a racist. There's no disputing that, especially against decades of unequivocal bigoted behavior including housing discrimination, the Central Park Five fiasco, his birther campaign, embracing David Duke, verbal attacks against people of color, the Muslim ban, defending neo-Nazis and his relentless campaign against black and brown immigrants. 

To be sure, the red MAGA hat is Trump's white hood.

And MAGA isn't just a slogan. It's a movement. Or as many believe, a cult. And as a cult, the Cult of Trump shares most of the overall characteristics with other typical cults, as outlined by researchers Janja Lalich Ph.D and Michael D. Langone Ph.D. For example: 

*The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law. 

*Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

‪*The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel... leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear...

‪*The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah...on a special mission to save humanity). 

‪*The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.

‪*The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military commanders or ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream religious denominations).

‪*The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members' participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (for example, lying to family or friends, or collecting money for bogus charities).‪

‪*The group is preoccupied with making money.

Trump and his cultists proudly wear the red MAGA hat like a family crest. 

So when a bunch of rowdy teens surround a Native American elder while wearing this hat they're bringing to the encounter everything it's come to stand for. 

It's not...just...a...hat. It's offensive, its insensitive and it's intimidating. 

Perhaps we can't ascribe the underlying racism of Trump's MAGA credo to these kids. Perhaps they're just dopey teens who 'didn't know better.'  But now they do. And if they don't want to be associated with the ugliness that this hat represents, they should immediately apologize to Phillips. 

And they should begin to understand and appreciate what the phrase "Make America Great Again" might mean to indigenous peoples who for centuries had been robbed, slaughtered and are still clearly disrespected. People whose experiences throughout history weren't so "great."

Otherwise, if the hat fits...

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A Preview of Trump's State of the Union Speech

My fellow Americans...esteemed Republican members of Congress, Democrats, the five good Supreme Court Justices, any generals who still like me, and the fake-news enemy-of-the-people media. I'm excited to be here tonight to tell you, quite frankly, of all the amazing things I'm doing. And believe me...there's many bigly accomplishments. More than any president ever. Especially Obama.

Let's start with the government shutdown. Or, as many people are calling it, and this is true, and they're right,..the Schumer/Pelosi shutdown. It's all the Democrats' fault. Now when I said weeks ago that I would "own" the shutdown"...that I'd take the "mantle"...that I wouldn't blame "Chuck" and the Dems...that's not what I meant.

Look, I'm a builder...and, everyone knows this, but nobody likes to talk about it, I'm the biggest most successful builder...nobody builds buildings like Trump...everyone loves my buildings...the Chinese, the Saudi's...the Russians...and by the way, there was NO COLLUSION!...the real collusion is with Hillary and the Dems...and so I build things. I 'own' things. And, Mickey Mantle was always my favorite baseball player. The Mick! Ya gotta admit, they don't make 'em like The Mick anymore, am I right! A bit of an ugly drinker though...but we won't talk about that. Lastly, when I said I wouldn't blame Chuck, I actually meant that I would blame Chuck.

We need a wall, people. And I'm not talking about the one between me and Melania. I'm talking about a big beautiful wall. A barrier. Or steel slats. Or Levolor blinds, beaded curtains, Roman shades. Maybe some hanging bamboo. I love bamboo! I love the way it sounds...bam-BOO! Those brown people from Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador...and many people don't like using this word...invading America. They're thugs, gang members, terrorists. Millions and millions of terrorists. They're BAD HOMBRES! They dress like hungry women and children to fool us. It's gotta stop. And it's gonna stop right here and right NOW! It's a national emergency!

This emergency is so strong, so severe, so dangerous that I'm willing to wait days, weeks, months even years to stand firm against Nancy on this. Gonna wait to see what she does. Then I'll see what Mexico does. Then I'll see what Rush, Laura, Ann and Sean think. Then I'll read Breitbart. Then maybe see what Bobby Knight and Kimye think. Then I'll wait some more. And then, if everything else fails, I'll declare a national emergency. I can totally do it. Totally legal. I maybe definitely think I can probably do it for sure. And Brett and the SCOTUS boys will back me up, believe me.

Shall we talk about the stock market? It's the greatest market ever. It's done so well since I became president...if you don't count last year, which was all the Fed's fault. But I think it's already up 7,000 points in January.

How about Syria, huh!? We won! We beat ISIS! Don't believe the fake news disgusting fake awful fake FAKE FAKE FAKE news when they tell you ISIS just killed US troops in a suicide bombing. It's all fake. Fake fake fake. What was it that George Bush said..."Mission accomplished!"

And let's not forget that North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.

And how I got MBS to admit he had nothing to do with Khashoggi's murder.

And how I strong-armed Putin into his very strong, powerful denial of election meddling.

I so got this shit, people!

America first! 

Lastly, let's talk about the 800-lb orangutan in the room. No, not me... the big fat witch-hunt. The hoax. Let me tell you, and this is the truth, and nobody knows the truth like me...everyone is lying! All of them! The Department of Justice, the FBI, the CIA, Mueller and his 49 angry Dems, the Southern District of NY, the local state AG's, the courts, the media, Democrats, Flynn, Cohen, Manafort, Comey, everyone else...they're all just part of a very bigly massive conspiracy to take down your president. They're just angry that we beat Hillary so badly...by 8-million popular votes I think. I am the only one telling the truth, believe me...

So in closing, everything is just wonderful. It's a beautiful administration. The fake fake double-fake ugly fat disgusting lying lying fake news ugly doodyhead media keeps telling you there's "chaos" in the White House, but that's a bigly lie, folks. A bigly, bigly lie. Everything's...running...smoothly!

My administration's great.

The stock market's great.

The economy's great.

Our standing in the world is great.

We made America great again!

God bless me...then you...then America.

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

What Trump Will REALLY Be Saying Tonight

Everyone but Donald Trump's brainwashed base knows that his "address" to the nation Tuesday evening regarding the "crisis at the border" will be a reprehensible performance piece of lies, deception, misinformation and fascist propaganda. Here's what he'll really be saying...

My fellow Americans. Three years ago I launched my campaign for the presidency. I never thought I had a chance, believe me. I'm a 4th-rate real estate "developer", former realty tv host and fake billionaire. I have no political experience, no vision or core beliefs and all I care about is myself and money. And, I have the temperament of a 5-year-old. To say I was unfit for the job is a gross understatement. But what I quickly understood, that my 16 opponents didn't, was that millions of Americans are stupid and racist. And I used that to my advantage. Bigly.

Let's face it: my base doesn't give a shit about politics. They'd rather watch paint dry than listen to a discussion on infrastructure, the economy or foreign policy. They're Jerry Springer fans. Adrenaline junkies. They like drama and excitement. They go to hockey games just for the fights. They're small-minded, and like watching bullies taunt the weak and helpless. Especially if they're black, brown, Muslim and Mexican. They're angry white people who believe minorities and immigrants have taken away their American dream. Bingo!

Welcome to "Make America Great Again." Which of course means "Make America White Again." I turned these racist fools into an army of red-MAGA-hat-wearing mental zombies. 

So I promised to build a wall. A "big beautiful wall" which would keep out those horrible criminals. And I promised them that Mexico would pay for it. It became our mantra. I whipped 'em into a frenzy like Freddie Mercury at Live Aid. I'd say "Who's gonna pay for the wall?" And like pathetic sheep they'd scream "MEXICO!!"  I did this over and over and over again at all my rallies. And when I'd see them getting bored or ready to leave I'd whip 'em up again with it.  

"And who's gonna pay for the wall??!!"


Of course, it was all just a lie. I knew there'd be no way Mexico was gonna pay for it. But I knew somebody would ultimately have to.

Which brings us to tonight. My big "crisis at the border" address. Obviously, there's no crisis. Not now, and not before the midterms when I fear-mongered non-stop about the "dangerous caravan" about to "invade America." It's all bullshit. But you already know that. But like I said, somebody's gotta pay for that wall.

Yes. I bullshitted the base. Now I'm fucked. My legacy, and hopes for a 2020 reelection, are flushed down my gold-plated toilet if I don't build that damn wall. So I need to lie again about "thousands of terrorists crashing through the Mexican border"...blah blah blah. You know the drill: MS-13 gang members, thugs and terrorists coming to kill your kids and rape your women. IT'S A CRISIS I tell ya!

And if Congress doesn't give me the money to fulfill this idiotic campaign promise then I'm gonna declare a "national emergency" and just take money from the military and use it for the wall. An abuse of power? You bet. A Constitutional crisis? I really don't care, do you? Let them sue me. It'll go to the Supreme Court...where Brett and the boys will cover my ass.

No one's gonna tell me what to do. No one. I am above the law. I am the fucking law. I'm Trump, dammit, and I'm gonna run America like I run my businesses: sloppy, chaotic, incompetent, dysfunctional, dishonest, drowning in debt, bankrupt, law-breaking and dictatorial.

And no one's gonna stop me...NO ONE!

(breaks out into loud, uproarious maniacal laughter)