Sunday, October 09, 2016
Here's what Donald Trump's Wikipedia bio might look like in 2050:
Donald Trump lost the bizarre 2016 presidential election to his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, in the biggest landslide in American political history. Clinton won all 538 electoral college votes in an incredible political accomplishment, besting Ronald Reagan, who crushed Walter Mondale in 1984 with 525 electoral votes. Clinton won with 87% of the popular vote, also a record.
The election was looking bleak for Trump prior to the public release of his now-infamous vagina monologues, the vulgar statements made on that fateful 2005 "Access Hollywood" bus ride with Billy Bush in which he admitted to sexually assaulting women. But his polling and support plummeted even more in the ensuing days. Further, his campaign manager Kellyann Conway was fired. His running-mate Mike Pence left the ticket. But Trump himself refused to quit, insisting on continuing the race with Ted Cruz as his new running mate. They campaigned over the final three weeks under the slogan, Trump/Cruz: Bloated & Promoted.
Two days before the election Julian Assange WikiLeaked Trump's much sought-after tax returns, which dealt a devastating final blow to an already-dead campaign. The returns showed that Trump paid zero income taxes for 20 years; had average personal income of just $250,000 from 2003-2015; was partners in several questionable businesses with Russian President Vladimir Putin; made just $20,000 per year in charitable contributions; donated to the political campaigns of liberals Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Barney Frank; contributed to progressive causes including Planned Parenthood, Gay Men's Health Crisis and the National Abortion Federation; and made multiple donations to Islamic Relief USA. Even his most rabidly loyal supporters abandoned him in the campaign's final days.
One month after the election Trump's wife Melania announced their separation and that she had filed for divorce. She apparently was extremely upset that Trump and his minty-fresh Tic Tac breath wanted to kiss another woman while she was pregnant with their son Barron. It was a bitter legal battle resulting in a one-time payment of $250-million and $500,000 per month in child support. Melania went on to create her own fashion line which, like many of her ex-husband's businesses, ultimately failed. She married media magnate and Democratic supporter Summer Redstone, 96, three years later. Their daughter Viacoma was born later that year.
The fallout from Trump's sexist, racist behavior throughout the campaign also led to humiliating financial hardship following the election. The Trump Organization filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2018 due to staggering losses from a boycott of his hotels and an abandonment of licensing deals using the tarnished Trump brand.
The business's failure took a huge toll on Trump's children, who were forced to go out in the world and attempt to make it on their own. Don Jr. and Eric started and folded several unsuccessful businesses, including a hair-gel company (Trump Pomade). Don Jr. ran for Mayor of New York City in 2030 and lost to Dante de Blasio, former Mayor Bill de Blasio's son. He retired soon after, living off Social Security and some income that trickled in from his book "Why Did Dad Have to Be Such a Douche and Screw Up a Really Good Thing?"Eric became a manager of a Walmart store in upstate New York. Ivanka chose to be a stay-at-home mom raising her eleven children with Jared Kushner.
Tiffany, who was raised in California by her mother, Trump's second wife Marla Maples, spent years as an entertainment lawyer in Los Angeles before her election to Congress in 2036 as a Democrat from California's 34th District. Barron, just 10 at the time of the presidential election, was so embarrassed by his father's behavior that he changed his last name to Redstone in 2019 and disowned Trump. He became an independent filmmaker (financed by his stepfather). His first two films,"Daddy Dearest" and a remake of "Lies My Father Told Me," won back-to-back Best Picture Oscars in 2033 and 2034.
As for Donald Trump himself, he lived to be 100 years old, dying in 2046 of natural causes. Following the election he spent his remaining years a virtual pariah. A broken man socially, emotionally and financially. Alone and alienated from family and the few friends he had. And, he never apologized...for anything.