1. To Rep. Charlie Rangel: It most definitely is "the NY Times' business" how much space you and your family live in if it's the public's tax dollars that subsidizes it, and you're getting a questionable 50% break in the rent you pay on your four, count 'em, four rent-stabilized apartments. And what's with all this rent anyway? If you ever think of buying, give Sen. Chris Dodd a call. He knows where to get really cheap mortgages.
2. To Sen. John McCain: it's not funny, nor presidential, to say we should keep exporting more cigarettes to the Iranians because "that's a way of killing them." We thought you learned your sensitivity lesson with "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran..."
3. To Barack Obama: Who are you, man? Your loyal, heretofore insanely inspired followers don't recognize you anymore, what with all your recent flip-floppin.' Who'da thunk you were just another pandering, triangulating politician. What a let down, huh folks?
4. To Tony Snow: your very untimely death is very sad and tragic. R.I.P.
5. To Jesse Jackson: spare us the sanctimonious lessons on race. We're so fed up with your definition of what it means to be black and how blacks are supposed to act in order to be 'authentically' black. In case you haven't noticed, Barack Obama is but a heartbeat from the Oval Office. He's done just fine without your guidance, and is more of a legitimate role model for blacks than you can ever dream of being. Even your own son, Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr, thinks you're irrelevant. Time to retire from public speaking. And while you're at it, take Al Sharpton with you. Young blacks need inspiration from high-achieving successful black leaders like Obama, Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell, not race-baiting excuse-makers like you and the Rev. Al.
6. To NBC News execs: sadly, in Tim Russert's absence, Meet the Press is now a real snoozer. In all fairness, it's hard to imagine anyone being able to fill Russert's shoes. Take the show off the air, revamp it with a younger host (David Shuster?) call it something similar but different (The Sunday Press?), and bring it back after Labor Day in time to inject some exciting new journalistic blood into Fall's election coverage.
7. To the oil companies: What the fuck? Oil at almost $150 a barrel? Have you gone mad? There's absolutely no justification on this planet for fuel prices to have more than doubled in a year. As long as you keep recording record profits and paying your CEO's $50-million per year while the price of gas is crippling the American economy, I will continue to say you Bush-sanctioned thieves are raping us.
8. To the Stock Market: enough already.