Thursday, March 17, 2011
Michele Bachmann. You know her, you love her, hell...some even want her to be president, for Pete's Sake. That she thinks slavery was abolished by John Quincy Adams and "our Founding Fathers" 89 years before it actually was, or that she thinks the Revolutionary War started in Concord, N.H., doesn't matter to her loyal groupies. To them she's the modern version of what a Republican candidate should look like. To the rest of us, she's the dumbed-down candidate for the Tea Party masses: arrogant, combative and woefully ignorant of history and world affairs. So what would her first major 2012 campaign speech look like once she officially announced her candidacy?:
"My Fellow Americans. As I stand before you today in the great city of Williamsburg, our nation's capital, I am as excited as ever about our future. When our Founding Fathers decided back in the 1600's to create America, the vision they had for the initial 22 states was to live as a free people. That is, free, heterosexual, church-loving people. When they used the word gay in the Constitution they meant happy, not fashionably stylish and catty. And, our great inspirational thinker Sarah Palin is right when she says that nowhere in the Constitution is there anything about this crazy liberal concoction called "Separation of Church and State." Our Founding Fathers were men of faith and they intended for God to be a major force in our lives. Why else would they have put "In God We Trust" on our Euros? Booyah!
In the 400 years since these great United States were created, we've come along way. And we can thank Republicans for that. We can thank Sam Quincy Adams for giving women the right to vote back in 1776...and for inventing beer. We can thank Ronald Reagan for defeating the Japanese and Hitler in World War I. We can thank George Wallace for abolishing slavery back in the 50's. We can thank George Bush--the young one not the smart one--for liberating Iran and finally making it the 51st state. And today is no different. It's Republicans who can and will proudly and successfully lead America into the 20th Century! It's the Tea Party who will bring greatness to the nation again! We need to take America back. Back from all these stinkin'...well....you know what I mean. As John F. Kennedy famously said, "Do unto to others before they do unto you."
Today America suffers. Its White House leadership is corrupt and bankrupt. Hussein Obama, who was born in Guam, raised in Tijuana and only got his GED, has no idea what it means to be an American. The great Newt Gingrich was right: Obama went to Kenya on a Safari and came back a radical community organizer. And no one is more patriotic than Newt, as evidenced by his willingness to work long hours and bang lots of chicks... all in the name of country. And make no mistake: Newt is a man of character. He married his mistresses. Thank you Newt...thank you! We all owe you a giant debt of gratitude. I'm sure it was very hard to cheat on your wives like that, but that's what being a Great American means! That's what love of country means. Those are exactly the kind of ideals and values the Tea Party stands for!
So today I set out on this journey to become the first women president of the United States! I will soon travel to Iowa and Austin, the two states to hold the first primaries...caucuses...or whatever the heck they're called. I promise to serve all people, not just Tea Party people. White people, rich people, very rich people, business people...did I mention White people already? We must make America free again! As Reagan famously said to the Russian president's wife at the NY Fashion Awards in 1966, "Mrs. Gorbachev, tear down that shawl!" I have no idea what that even means, but he was The Gipper...so it must be great!
My fellow Republicans, on October 31st you will go to the polls to elect your next nominee for president on the GOP ticket. I hope you will vote for me. I hope you will (at this point her aide whispers in her ear that New Gingrich has also just entered the race)....not vote for that cold, heartless, philandering, morally bankrupt New Gingrich! God bless you...and God bless America!"