Wednesday, May 11, 2011
So the man who crucified Bill Clinton over his cheating in the 1990's is about to announce that he will run for president despite having enough skeletons in his closet to fill a college anatomy lab. Newt Gingrich, the former House Speaker who never met a vagina he didn't like, the man who said he's previously cheated out of patriotism, will officially announce his candidacy Wednesday, planning to turn a lifetime of tail-chasing into a political asset.
I for one am thrilled that Gingrich is running, as I promise to be on him like a Republican Congressman on a House page. We'll relentlessly hound him for cheating on and shamelessly dumping two ailing wives. For having an affair with his much older high school teacher and his 22-years younger aide. For asking wife #2, Marianne, to "tolerate" his tawdry affair with future wife #3 Callista in some sick, kinky open-marriage fantasy. We'll resurrect the 1982 House Banking scandal and his 22 bounced checks. We'll remind everyone of the 1984 and 1995 book scandals and dust off the GOPAC scandal and illegal use of non-profit funds for political purposes. We'll expose his family-values hypocrisy 'round the clock like a McDonald's drive-thru, and slap him so hard with his lewd past that he'll feel like he went 15 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Gingrich, who now wants America to forgive and forget his multiple selfish marital transgressions and political scandals, is re-casting himself as a God-fearing, devout Catholic pillar of family-values who intends to pimp out his trophy wife Callista as proof that his once-roving shmecky has also found God.
As he attempts to portray himself and Callista as some sort of modern-day wart-plagued Ozzie and Harriet, Gingrich is either very stupid or thinks we are. The man who over the last three years has helped lead the chorus of "Obama's a radical" is himself as radical as they come, and his wife intentionally had sex with another woman's husband; a very sick woman, no less. Not exactly presidential and First Lady material.
Gingrich's cavalier attitude and delusions of grandeur borders on the pathological. When Marianne once accused him of being a hypocrite because he was cheating on her with Callista while grandstanding on family values, Newt replied: "It doesn't matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I say. It doesn't matter what I live." Au contraire Romeo, I think you're soon gonna find out just how much it does matter how you've lived.
While Gingrich may suffer from a colossal case of short memory and hypocrisy, I suspect conservatives in general will laugh, even scoff, at his pathetic fantasy of occupying the White House. Redemption's a bitch, Newt.