Friday, November 07, 2008

A Democrat's Advice to the GOP For the Future. My Top 20 Suggestions For a Winning Strategy

Following this week's historic and resounding victories by Barack Obama and the Democrats in the House and Senate, there's been much talk about what the Republican Party must do next. That it's "brand" is bankrupt and it's time to regroup and reposition. Being the generous bi-partisan patriot that I am, I am hereby offering some free advice to the GOP on how to wage more effective campaigns in the future:

1. Find some less-polarizing mouthpieces than Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. They stir the pot, but not in that awesome Rachel Ray way.

2. Immediately distance yourself from Fox News. To be sure, there's nothing Fair and Balanced happenin' over there.

3. Stop being so partisan. Some things (global warming, supporting the troops) are black and white, not red or blue.

4. Stop being so hypocritical. You gotta practice what you preach, or you'll continue to have zero credibility.

5. Bone up on Separation of Church and State. The Founding Fathers gave it to us for a reason.

6. Accept that most Americans do not want you regulating what goes on in their personal lives and bedrooms. So (and take a deep breath now...) just accept the fact that abortion and gay relationships are here to stay.

7. Start truly thinking about the poor and middle class instead of just your own pocketbooks. Politics is more than just lowering taxes for the rich. Whatever happened to your big tent?

8. Stop spying on and torturing people. That's not very nice.

9. Don't send our troops to die in battle unless you really know what the hell you're talking about.

10. Start agreeing with Democrats that Bush 43 is the worst president in history. Trust me, it's really fun when 99% of the world agrees with you.

11. Ya might also want to reconsider pairing up guys named Dick and Bush. Those two things always lead to trouble.

12. Stay away from angry, sarcastic, condescending candidates. Voters prefer humility, respect and class from their presidents.

13. Nominate a candidate who is intelligent, curious and articulate. The whole "have a beer with the guy" thing is so passe. The bar's officially closed.

14. Pay more attention to people like Mitt Romney. Your traditional "base" has shrunk to the size of a pimple on an elephant's ass. Romney, with his fiscal conservatism and moderate social positions, represents your future.

15. When Americans are facing the worst economic crisis in 75 years, terrified for their jobs, homes and savings, do not obsess for the final months of your campaign that your opponent (a) pals around with terrorists, (b) has a half-Aunt who may or may not be an illegal alien, and (c) is both an elitist and a socialist. Kinda makes voters feel like you're utterly clueless about the issues most important to them.

16. Stop playing so damned dirty. It clearly doesn't work anymore.

17. If you see Karl Rove and Steve Schmidt coming down the street, run the other way.

18. No matter how strong the temptation, do not make as a centerpiece of your campaigns the support of cartoon-like characters like Joe the Plumber, Ed the Dairy Man, Doug the Barber, Tito the Builder, Christine the Florist, Phil the Bricklayer, Cindy the Citizen, Rose the Teacher, Corina the Nurse, Vicki the Realtor or Clark the Cook. This cheap tactic turns your campaign into Sesame Street, and toddlers don't vote.

19. For what it's worth, unmarried teenage pregnancies are nothing to be proud of, especially when you're the Family Values party.

20. And for God's sake, whatever you do, do not put anymore vacuous MILFs a heartbeat from the Oval Office, especially when the person at the top of your ticket is a 72-year-old cancer survivor. Americans want a vice-president who can name the countries in North America and knows that Africa is a continent not a country. They want someone smart and Dan Quayle.

On another subject......TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE for the November 17 Second Annual Adrienne Shelly Foundation Fundraising Gala at New York University's Skirball Center for the Performing Arts. Join us for a terrific evening of music, comedy and film, with scheduled appearances by Paul Rudd, Jeremy Sisto, Cheryl Hines, Mary Louise Parker, Lili Taylor, Karen Black, Ally Sheedy, Keri Russell, Maria Tucci, Michael Cerveris, Gina Gershon and others. To learn more about our mission, to make a tax-deductible donation, and to purchase tickets, please visit our website. Every contribution helps preserve Adrienne's legacy, allows us to help others, and creates something positive out of the tragic loss two years ago of an incredibly loving and talented woman....who also happened to be my amazing wife.


Anonymous said...

Ha! ha! Asking Republicans to stop playing dirty is like asking zebras to change their stripes.

Don't you know there is a cultural war out there and they are the defenders of all that is good and holy?! And all is fair in love and war as they struggle to do Gods work here on earth. Just ask them.

These are nasty, frightened and very narrow minded people who allow themselves to be manipulated into giving up their economic well-being so the rich wont become disheartened and stop creating jobs. They give up their sons and daughters in a war to... well let's see today's reason is help the Iraqis achieve freedom!
(Just hope dont vote use that freedom for unity with Iran.. but who bothers with such small details?)

Here's the drill, Andy.
Long as the gays cant get married, things will work out alright. Just ask God. She approves. You betchya!!

Anonymous said...

The righties I have talked to would never agree to this great list. They are very bitter and insist we are a center/right nation and that only blacks voted for Obama. Of course you need to understand that the current group of GOP supporters are bitter, white, ignorant folks. They will continue to push policies that will return us to the 1950s and early 1960s. Of course they deny that the 50s and early 60s were not good for minorities and women. The Washington GOP has a ton of work to do to bring these folks back towards the center.

Anonymous said...

Vacuous MILF! LOL.

Yes, it is tough when your political opponent happens to be hot as a baker. I hate to admit, but that goes for Bachmann too. Might have to have a new category -- LILF -- Looneys I'd like to ...

Anonymous said...

This is GREAT!!! Too bad it was all written in vain...the repuglicans would NEVER do something so right.....Here's to a phenomenal 2009-2012!!

Anonymous said...

A few changes:

3. Some things (global warming ...).
The message of 'stop being so partisan' applies to Dems as well. If you're a Democrat, you must insist global warming is real. If a Repub, it's not. Global warming (during the coldest year in decades) is NOT 'black and white' - scientists disagree on it. It is a red/blue issue.

14. Pay more attention to statemen like DR. RON PAUL. His educated fiscal conservatism and 'personal freedom' positions, represent your future.

Anonymous said...

Democrats play as dirty as republicans. Democrats promise big things like the end of the war, the end of torture, and investigations while actually delivering nil. Republicans get caught up in their own scandals while supposedly portraying "family values".

Both parties are hypocritical and will not stop at nothing to get elected.

Both parties need to do two things. Number one: take a basic course in American history. Apparently they aren't familiar with the constitution and the founders intent. Number two: take two back to back courses in economics.

Both parties suck. We need a new system.

Anonymous said...

Hey Andy theres a yahoo story that does a nice little write up on Adrienne. Its about the 10 best posthumous performances. Heres the link:

Anonymous said...

Quit thinking that the other 95% of us are only allowed to live here because the rich are so magnamimous.
Trickle down economics never works, trickle up economics does work.

Anonymous said...

Their sole objective was to accumulate (steal) as much wealth as possible. With hundreds of billions now lost, stolen and defrauded, they succeeded beyond their wildest expectations.

They knew the price to pay would be political fallout.

In a generation, they will be back to do it to us all over again, just as they did it so many times in the past.

Oh wait, it looks like they can't wait! Just look at who Obama is hiring to work closely with the new Democratic administration, a bunch of DINO-Fascists, who are just a kinder gentler version of the Neocon-Fascists.

Congratulation, we now have more of the same. Fascism still rules in Amerika.


Melissa said...

Ron Paul is a sociopath and all you had to do was watch the freak show that was the Republican Convention to know which party is our only hope at this point. When Joe Lieberman is the most likeable one in the room, there's a problem. Actually, forget the convention...two words: Sarah Palin. And I'm so sick of hearing about socialism and the 3 percent tax increase for people who make over 200 grand. That's all they've got...and of course it's always the ones who don't even make close and never will in their lifetimes that are complaining. Now the freaks are buying up guns because they think Obama's gonna take them away. Sick fucks (can I use the F word?) If not you can replace it with anything that means ignorant, fearful, moron.

Anonymous said...

I'm tired of hearing about Sarah Palin. Period.
She's had a taste of fame and now she doesn't want to let go.
Now she wants to be Ambassador to Africa, when she didn't know if it was a continent or a country.

Anonymous said...

Ron Paul is a sociopath Melissa? Dont name call unless you have examples/links/sources for your claims. You do what the Neocons do, namecall with no source giving. People should be buying guns, after all Obama did vote to ban the guns when he was an Illinois state senator! Why do you think he wouldnt do it on a national level? Ron Paul is a REAL Republican----the ones who call themselves Republicans are really NEOCONS.

Melissa said...

Ron Paul wants to save fetuses, but has no actual plan for survival after that, nor does he care. Real Republicans aren't anti choice. But next time I will consult my Larry rule book for how not to behave like a Neocon. I guess thinking people are a tad demented for going out and buying up guns makes me a Neocon as well? Or am I still a Lib? And labeling, doesn't that make me a Neocon? I guess that makes you one too.

Anonymous said...

I'd add four more points to this fine list, Andy:

21. Stop the fear-mongering. A frightened electorate might vote for you once, as in 2004, but won't be fooled forever. When you pander to peoples' fears, you appeal to their basest elements and fail miserably to inspire people to do better for themselves and for society.

22. Broaden your appeal to both coasts and to urban areas. If you continue to be the party of rural areas and small states, you will continue to lose election after election. Republicans simply can't continue to appeal to the people they have been and expect to win any more elections.

23. Don't pander to the most extreme elements of your constituency. When you cozy up to hard-right evangelicals, for example, you lose independents and voters with more liberal outlooks, and, consequently, you lose elections.

24. Don't demonize the opposition. Your opponents may not agree with your views, but that makes them no worse citizens--or human beings--than you.

Anonymous said...

Accept that most Americans do not want you regulating what goes on in their personal lives and bedrooms.

Marriage is by definiton the regulation of what goes on in our personal lives and bedrooms. When people of the opposite sex misbehave, the world falls apart. When people of the same sex misbehave, there is no negative social consequence whatsoever. This is why it is perilous to equate the two.

The gay liberationists of 1970 told us they could do what they want, and nothing would happen. Well, they were right. They did what they wanted to, and nothing happened. To the rest of us, that is. So why is the discipline of marriage necessary?

Bone up on Separation of Church and State. The Founding Fathers gave it to us for a reason.

No, they didn't. They gave us disestablishment. (And that, at the federal "level" only. Progressive Massachusetts and Connecticut had state churches well into the 19th century.)

The term "[wall of] separation of church and state" came from one Founding Father, perhaps the least stable, who, when not whipping (and reportedly raping) his slaves, wrote a letter with that phrase to an equally unstable cult (the Baptists) decades after the Constitution was written, signed and dry.

Start agreeing with Democrats that Bush 43 is the worst president in history.

Well, he did say a) racial profiling at airports was wrong, and had to stop-- a policy change that cost 2,000 American lives, plus hundreds of those of foreign visitors; b) that asking people of color to make down payments before getting a mortgage was a form of bigotry, a policy change that sunk the financial system (with some help from the present governor of Massachusetts and a certain lawyer friend of his from Chicago!); c) said family values don't stop at the Rio Grande, while not telling us that they in fact increase exponentially, and amorally; d) claimed repeatedly that those who thought Arabs couldn't handle democracy were also bigots, despite 14 centuries of solid evidence for that view, and e) well, we could go on all night...

Incidentally, Democrats also spent a century telling us that Lincoln was the worst president. They didn't care much for Teddy Roosevelt, either. I would take Democratic appraisals of Republican presidents with a grain of salt.

Anonymous said...

So when are all of you that were screaming about election fraud going to start piping up about the election theft taking place in Minnesota?

You have to ask yourself a question: what is more important, your agenda or free and fair elections? Is it worth stealing a Minnesota Senate seat at the expense of the people's right to vote?

Boiling_Mad said...

I found Number 8 funny and number 20 spot-on.