Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Randy and Dicky Show

Thank you Rand Paul and Dick Blumenthal. As if 2010 wasn't an exciting enough election year for political junkies like me, you two sideshows leaped onto the national stage for our entertainment pleasure.

By now, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know that Paul, the Libertarian's Libertarian, longs for the good ole days when "private" corporations like F.W. Woolworth could do whatever it wanted without government intervention--even if that meant banning blacks from its lunch counters--while Blumenthal, the walking G.I. Joe fantasy and candidate for a GPS system if ever there was one, apparently doesn't know the difference between Vietnam and South Carolina, where he did his Marine Corps Reserves boot camp.

So imagine my excitement when I obtained access to some hand-written notes of both politicians as they hashed out their controversial positions.

Here's the first excerpt, from Blumenthal's records, as he mulled over how to best articulate his military service through confusing, ambiguous, albeit catchy soundbytes:

-"I love the smell of napalm in the morning" (Nah, that's already taken. I'm a liar not a plagiarist)

-"The Vietnam War was hell (true). I saw the horrors up close (on TV). The enemy I faced was fierce and brutal" (YOU try dealing with a bunch of greedy little brats when they're ripping into your Toys for Tots bags!)

-"I'm a veteran. Back then...Vietnam-ish times...wore the uniform....boot camp was tough" (Jeez, even I'm confused by this one). "Just the mere mention of the name 'Charlie' sets me off" (Dramatic...good)

-"My bad skin? Agent Orange." (Powerful, but might offend my adult acne base)

-"My nights are racked by horrible 'Nam flashbacks." (True, except these nightmares involve my deferments being denied)

-"I served during the Vietnam era as a proud Marine Corps Reservist" (I like this one a lot. It's all true. Can always throw this one out there every now and then just to confuse 'em and balance out the lies. My staff will say, 'Look, he told the truth on many occasions!')

-"When we came home, we were disrespected." (Will use this now and then. Just the right amount of ambiguity. For example when "who" came home? And from "where?" See? Gotta go with my instincts here)

"When I served in Vietnam...." (Bingo! A direct lie! I'm sure I can use my crafty legal skills to explain it if I get nailed. Won't apologize...I'll just say "I misspoke" and have the staff show 'em the times I told the truth)

And here's a few early soundbyte options from Paul's notes:

-"I believe blacks should be able to go anywhere they want...just as long as it's not a privately-owned business."

-"Why would blacks want to eat at Woolworth anyway? The food sucked there!"

-"My Bowling Green country club is not racist. Almost all our caddies and kitchen staff are colored."

-"I was for the Civil Rights Act before I was against it."

Stay tuned. I suspect The Randy and Dicky Show has lots more in store for us between now and November.

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