Friday, December 07, 2018

An Open Letter to Daddy From Ivanka, Eric & Donnie Jr

Dear Daddy:

The boys nominated me to write this on our behalf because everyone knows I'm your favorite child (sorry Tiff!) and Donnie thinks I'm a better writer than he is... and Eric, well....anyway...

So, we're mad daddy! Really mad! We'd be crying, but we don't have tear-ducts or human-like emotions (just like you daddy!)

...We had everything. Money, fame, power. We could lie, cheat and steal. No one cared. Uncle Mikey always took care of everything. Then you had to make everything messy-messy by running for president. And then throwing poor Uncle Mikey under the bus. Now look at us. Mueller knows everything. We're ruined! Likely going to jail. And our very classy Trump brand is worthless. I think we hate you!

Why did you do this to us? You never even wanted to be president. You always told us you hate all those dirty, lazy, blue-collar "little people" and just wanted all the free publicity we'd get so we could make more money (we love money!). And you'd get so much attention (we know how much you loooove attention, daddy!). But you never even thought you'd win. You promised us you wouldn't win. You gave us and mommy...I mean Melanie...your word. You lied to us! Do you remember how upset Melanie was on Election Night? It was so upsetting. I almost cried again.

We are so mad at you (I'm stomping my feet right now!). We put up with all your warts all these years. I never said one word when you'd awkwardly and inappropriately put your hands all over me and tell people like Howard Stern you'd date me if I wasn't your daughter. How could you say that! How could you say you'd only date me not marry me! I felt so unappreciated!

And all those times you called Eric "stupid" and called him and Donnie "losers." All of this was so unfair. We just took it all. We never said anything back to you (ok, I do remember the boys always yelling "Stop it daddy...we're not stupid losers!").

So what do we do now? What does our big strong tough incredibly physically-fit handsome  "counter-puncher" do now to save us all? Do we hire someone to "take care of things" the way Uncle Mikey used to (wink wink...oh shit, my mascara's running...). Do we tell Corey to have Mueller's legs broken? Have Uncle Vlad poison someone? Get Uncle "M" to bone-saw the shit out of...oops...sorry...I forgot we're not supposed to ever talk about that!

Just please do something, daddy, and do it fast! We're very scared. Time is running out. Donnie's already planning how he's going to escape from prison. This is bad. Very, very bad.

Your favorite child Ivanka (who's ass you really need to stop touching, ok?) & the los...I mean boys.

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