Having recently returned from a trip to Barcelona, and as a frequent flyer, I've had the displeasure of spending many hours in the air with strangers who are clearly in need of a little reminder about proper air-travel etiquette. These days, with long lines, invasive x-rays requiring near-nudity, constant delays, smaller, more crowded planes and the threat of terrorism, the flying experience is frustrating and challenging enough without some buffoon sitting next to me making the flight even more unpleasant.
So to make the overall flying experience more bearable, at least for me, I hereby request that passengers follow "Ostroy's List of Air-Travel Don'ts:"
1. If you're considerably overweight, please don't expect to encroach my space. I have absolutely nothing against you personally. This is all about real estate. I didn't buy my seat so I could subsidize yours. If you're too large to fit into your own seat, buy two.
2. Please don't endlessly pray out loud next to me, no matter what religion you follow. It freaks me out and makes me wonder what you're so afraid of and trying to prevent.
3. Please don't bring really smelly food on the plane to gorge on. Remember that we're sitting so close we're practically having sex. I can do without the Burger King wafting into my yard.
4. What part of my face buried in a book is confusing to you? Please don't talk to me. Let me read. If I want to chat I'll start a conversation.
5. And if you do talk to me, please don't do it with a mouth full of food. I don't want little chewed Burger King pieces flying at me like mortar shells.
6. Please don't fart incessantly. If you have a gas problem, please lock yourself in the lavatory and decompress in private.
6. Please don't get on a plane if you have breath that would choke a swine.
7. If you're sitting behind me, please don't kick my seat non-stop.
8. If you're sitting in front of me, please don't snap your seat back at 100 miles an hour. Slow it down, pal, you're not doing crunches. A little head's up so you don't smash my laptop would be most appreciated.
9. My headrest is not a walking stick, so please don't use it as one. I didn't pay for whiplash.
10. Please don't fly unless you've showered sometime in the prior week. Your stank has no where to go except in my face.
11. Please don't listen to your iPod so loudly that the people 10 rows back can hear it through your headphones.
12. When you're putting your bag in the overhead and I'm in the aisle seat, please don't put your crotch anywhere near my face. Be mindful of where your package is headed. Same goes for your ass.
13. Please don't fall asleep and rest your head on my shoulder....unless you want it elbowed by an intolerant New Yorker. We're not gonna snuggle.
14. Please don't blatantly stare at my computer screen while I'm working. If I want your input I'll ask for it.
15. And whatever you do, do not even think about chewing tobacco and spitting the "juice' in a cup every three minutes. This is the rudest, most disgusting thing you could ever possibly do on a plane. Please indulge your mouth-cancer-inducing pleasures elsewhere.
There ya go. Maybe we can now all fly a little more pleasantly and comfortably. I thank you in advance.