Friday, March 16, 2012

Republican Vaginsanity

Why does a party whose members (pun intended) frequently get caught with their pants down have such a seemingly negative view of sex? The very guys who seem to have more mistresses than a Vegas whorehouse can't seem to stop obsessing over the fact that the rest of us like it too. We just don't want to have babies every time we play hide the salami. Lighten up already, righties, will ya!?

The latest uber-offensive, invasive legislative salvo's been fired out of Arizona, where House bill 2625 seeks to allow any employer to refuse birth control coverage if the intended uses are "for contraceptive, abortifacient, abortion or sterilization purposes." What that means is that if a woman wants the cost of her contraception covered she has to prove to her employer that she needs it to treat medical conditions such as endometriosis rather than simply wanting to pound the flesh with her man. The law would also allow employers to fire a woman if it was disclosed that she took birth control for....birth control purposes.

"This shit's even more Draconian than me!" said Draco through a medium Thursday.

Arizona's foray into Vaginsanity comes on the heels of Virgina's failed efforts to force women to undergo transvaginal ultrasounds (wasn't that Rick Santorum's teenage Christian rock band?) and Oklahoma's Personhood Act, which would grant full personhood rights to embryos from the point of fertilization.

"Finally, a bill that protects our rights as citizens!"
beamed Harry Gamete, President of Zygotes United.

Why, then, aren't Republicans aggressively proposing legislation to ban condoms? Wasted sperm is a wasted life, right? Isn't it a mammoth double-standard to only seek a ban on female contraception? If conservatives are so hot under the testes about birth control being used as pseudo-abortions, why not hold a special erection and stop it at the point of ejaculation? Oh wait, I remember...they can't outlaw condoms because they'll never be able to screw their mistresses again.

Which brings us back to Santorum, the Republican poster-boy for lust-less sex:

"One of the things I will talk about that no President has talked about before is I think the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea. Many in the Christian faith have said, "Well, that's okay. Contraception's okay. It's not okay because it's a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."

The day I listen to Rick Santorum about how sex is supposed to be is the day I castrate myself. The man who spends more time thinking about gay men and bestiality than the 12-million unemployed believes sex to be purely for married people to procreate.

"That's the perfect way that a sexual union should happen" (I thought he was anti-union?).

I guess that explains why Santorum's such a repressed tight-ass. If he's literally practiced what he's been sanctimoniously preaching, the poor guy's only gotten laid eight times in 22 years.

1 comment:

Rick said...

Kinda gives new meaning to "the party of no," wouldn't you say?