Thursday, June 02, 2011
Despite his insistence to the contrary, I believe New Jersey Gov. Chris Chris is certain to enter the race for the Republican presidential nomination. And I'm sure it'll go something like this:
GOP Insiders: Gov. Christie, we want you to run. We need you to run. You must run. You're our only hope.
Christie: Guys, I'm flattered. I'm just a kid from Jersey and you're beggin' me
to run for president. I'm speechless. But I'm not your man.
GOP Insiders: Yes, you are.
Christie: Seriously, I'm not. Don't you read what I've been saying for months now? I don't want to run. I don't have any intention of running. I'm happy with the job I have.
GOP Insiders: But you're not going Sherman on us. You haven't said you won't run, nor be drafted to run, under any circumstances. Is that what you're now telling us?
Christie: Like I said, I'm not running. I'm not even qualified for the job. I'm not ready for the job!
GOP Insiders: That's precisely why you should run. Why you need to run. And why you'll win! It's time an 'outsider' fills this job. An everyman who just happens to also be a very successful governor of one of America's largest states. Chris, you're a lean, mean, straight-shootin' cost-cuttin', budget balancin' family-values guy who keeps income and property taxes low...and is funny too! Ok, maybe not so lean, but they'll love you just the same. You'll be the new guy they want to have a beer with. Kinda like a smart Bush. You'll appeal not just to conservatives, but independents and Reagan Democrats too. Not even Obama can score that hat trick!
Christie: Keep talkin'....
GOP Insiders: Forget about what you've said in the past. Everyone knows politicians go back on their word. You'll say you're running because of a love of country. That you've been called to serve. That you're being told that America needs you. That, get this, this is a totally selfless move on your part!
Christie: But I...I
GOP Insiders: You'll win, man! You'll be that kid from Jersey who becomes president...of the United friggin' States! Look us in the eye and tell us you really don't want that!
Christie: Well I....
GOP Insiders: C'mon, you don't think you can beat.......Palin?!
Christie: Of course I can. She's batshit crazy.
GOP Insiders: Bachmann?
Christie: Even crazier.
GOP Insiders: Ron Paul?
Christie: See above...
GOP Insiders: Herman Cain?
Christie: Ok, now you're just wasting my time. But, I do like pizza!
GOP Insiders: Gingrich?
Christie: More skeletons in his closet than in a college anatomy lab.
GOP Insiders: Pawlenty?
Christie: (yawns) Human Ambien.
GOP Insiders: Santorum?
Christie: He's even too right wing for me!
GOP Insiders: Romney?
Christie: You mean Mr. Mormon RomneyCare?
GOP Insiders: Perry?
Christie: C'mon, that rogue cowboy wants Texas to secede from the Union!
GOP Insiders: Huntsmann?
GOP Insiders: Exactly! That's what we're trying to tell you! You can kick these losers' asses all the way home from Iowa and New Hampshire!
Christie: You're right. This is the sorriest pack of hopefuls I've ever seen. You guys are making this sound easy.
GOP Insiders: That's because it is. Listen, there's plenty of time till Iowa. Seven months. We'll immediately ready the ground troops, line up the big donors, get Rush, Sean, Beck and O'Reilly on board and start making this happen just as soon as you say Oval Office!
Christie: What about Obama?
GOP Insiders: Seriously? Can you say 'unemployment and housing crisis'?
Christie: Can you say 'Osama bin Laden'?
GOP Insiders: Oh c'mon, Chris! Don't you know how dumb most Americans are? Bush convinced them that Saddam was responsible for 9/11, and Rudy tells 'em that there were no terrorist attacks on Bush's watch. You can't make this shit up! Don't worry, our guys will effectively spin that bin Laden was tracked and killed because of Bush's aggressive policies and tactics....the very same measures Obama and the fairy libs want to dismantle and put America at grave risk again. Hell, maybe we'll even bring old "Turd Blossom" Rove back to lead that charge.
Christie: You guys really do think we can do this.
GOP Insiders: We do. And we will. This is your chance Chris. We're talking the White House, dude! State dinners! Air Force One! The history books! It's all within your grasp, big man.
Christie: Wow. I gotta say, I do feel like the hot chick at the dance! Ok, I'm in! Say it....
GOP Insiders: Say what?
Christie: 'Mr. President'. I wanna hear it. Call me Mr. President...wanna hear how it sounds.
GOP Insiders: Well of course...Mr...Mr President!