Congratulations! And let me start by apologizing. I am SO sorry! You were right! I’m done! I have concluded that there was no collusion or obstruction of justice. This whole sordid witch-hunt “Russia thing” was a total waste of taxpayer money and time, especially mine. You have NO idea how glad I am that it’s finally over. Phew!
You are not only a totally legitimate president, you’re also the best, smartest and most successful. And you know what else you were right about? That no other president has achieved SO much in just 11 months. Man, it’s awe-inspiring what you’ve done. And just think of how much more you could’ve achieved if this whole Russia hoax didn’t impede you. Again, for that, I am so so so so so so so so sorry, sir (I hope you don’t mind me calling you sir).
You truly are amazing. I know it, Rosenstein knows it, the entire FBI knows it and, quite frankly, all of America knows it. We all owe you a HUGE debt of gratitude, sir. Can I be honest? You do not get the proper credit you deserve. No, I mean that. It’s SO unfair! The truth is, we’re extremely lucky to have you. SO lucky. We should be thanking you instead of investigating you, for Pete’s sake.
So, I hope you are happy to receive this super-official Letter of Exoneration. I’m sorry it took so long...and for me to acknowledge how truly incredible, and innocent, and not-guilty, and innocent you are. And sir, shame on me for failing to recognize not just your absolute, total, 100% innocence sooner, but your incredible greatness as well. MAGA!
Robert Mueller (Embarrassed, humiliated special prosecutor who’s dwarfed by Donald Trump’s greatness)