Friday, December 01, 2017

An Open Letter to America From Donald Trump

Dear Fellow Americans...

What a week, huh!? Are ya havin’ fun yet? This is the kind of “chaos” Jeb Bush could never dream of! Yet here I am...still standing. Still president. “President.” Wow. I never tire of hearing me say that about me. But I’ll be honest which, as you know, isn’t my strong suit. I’m more shocked than you are that I still have this job. Believe me... 

My presidency’s as out-of-control as a New Jersey Housewives episode. You could almost see me and Rex Tillerson sluggin’ it out in the White House, right? Except that would never happen...because I’m not a fighter. I only talk tough. Remember Vietnam and the “bone spurs?” That was a good one daddy and his doctor concocted. Why do you think I love hangin’ around all those generals? Makes me feel strong and that shit rubs off or something. But we all know I’m just a scared little child. A manbaby. Twitter is my Uzi. What these tiny little fingers can do with 280 characters! Watch out women, disabled people and military widows...I’m a digital warrior! But when I’m face-to-face? I cower like a frightened rat. 

If you haven’t guessed by now, I really don’t give a shit about you. Or America. Or anything or anyone but myself. Not even my wife and kids. Do you see how I treat Melania? How I’m destroying my kids’ careers and lives and the legacy of my grandkids and future generations of Trumps? I can’t help myself. Remember ”I’m the only one that matters!” and “I alone”? I’m a slave to my rapacious ego. My Narcissistic Personality Disorder is swallowing me whole. The depth of my insecurity and self-loathing is staggering. And I’m never gonna change. It’s only getting worse...believe me...

I cozy up to Russia, Nazi’s, white supremacists, the KKK, brutal dictators, Britain First and accused child-molesters and sexual abusers (of which I am one) while I disrespect and demean our allies, our judiciary, our intelligence community, veterans, the media and my own cabinet and staff. I lie to you 24/7. And, I’m utterly obsessed with Barack Obama. Honestly? I’m so jealous of that guy it’s killing me. Great wife, kids, reputation and people love him. And he accomplished so much. I hate him!

Me? I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing in 10 months...except piss all over the Constitution, the rule of law and turned America upset down and made it the joke of the universe. Welcome to Trump’s fascist state!

It doesn’t even seem to bother you that I have us on the verge of nuclear war. As crazy as Kim Jong Un is, he’s Churchill compared to me! I’m about to send our soldiers to die (the sons and daughters of my BASE!) because I’m thin-skinned, lack discipline control and wouldn’t know diplomacy if it smacked me in my orange head. 

Everyone hates me. There’s just different levels of hatred. There’s liberals, who hate me outright. There’s the Republican leadership and Congress, which hates me but can’t publicly admit it. There’s conservatives, who hate me but love tax cuts more. There’s evangelicals, who hate me for reminding them that they’re shameless hypocrites who hide behind the cloak of God. There’s my team—Kelly, Tillerson, McMaster, Cohn, etc— which hates me but fears what I’d do if they weren’t around. And then there’s the base. They hate themselves, which explains how they could still support me. But, make no mistake: no one hates me more than me. 

So I really gotta ask: what the hell is wrong with you people?! Are you ever gonna try to get rid of me? Will I ever be impeached? Indicted? Or removed from office by that stupid 25th Amendment thing? What will it finally take for you to say ‘Enough!?’ What more can I do to prove I’m a dangerous buffoon who’s so BIGLY unfit for office?

Will it all come down to Mueller’s investigation? This whole “Russia thing?” Hmmm...maybe it’s time to call Vlad and “Wik-ee-leaks” and see what they’ve got on Mueller...

Your President

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