Let's start a movement called "Distract the Bastards '06." On election day this November, Democrats should underhandedly set up distractions in closely contested areas that lure Republicans away from the voting booth. For example, free NASCAR jacket giveaways in Virginia. All-day hunting contests in Texas, with big prize money. Free all-you-can-eat religious-themed barbecues in Ohio. Carnivals in Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama and elsewhere with surefire enticements like dunk-the-gay-guy booths and redneck vs. abortionist paintball matches. Or how about Indian reservation casino trips in Nevada, Arizona and Wyoming, where we ply 'em with endless buckets of nickels to play slots all day. These events would typically be held in the most far-reaching rural areas where access to the polls is extremely limited. We'll get 'em all liquored up, feed 'em lots of charcoaled beef and pork products, and give 'em lots of free stuff they'd normally kill for. We'll show these folks more fun than they've had since pulling those gay-marriage amendment levers back in '04. They'll be so drunk, bloated and exhausted that they'll have no desire or strength left to vote.
Distract the Bastards '06. Our secret weapon for winning the midterms.